Hitting The Road With Brain Injury Riding Shotgun

The Butterfly & The Cocoon -- Struggling to overcome brain injury

2011-12-20T10:01:00.004-06:00

On my Facebook page, "Living with Brain Injury" I refer to my followers as butterflies. People often ask me "why?"

Ask any brain injury survivor (or their loved ones) what life is like living with brain injury, and undoubtedly, they will insert the word, "struggle" somewhere in the conversation.

I've learned through my own emergence from the cocoon of learning to live with brain injury that the struggle is part of the process of allowing us to spread our wings to bring the world the lessons we've learned through our challenges.

At the start of my rehabilitation, I thought my life, and my contributions to the world were over. I was a professional athlete before my accident. How could I continue to contribute to the world when my profession was now in my distant past?

I learned through this journey that I had so many other gifts to share with the world---ones that emerged through my struggle and emergence from my cocoon. I share my journey as a motivational speaker/author these days. I'm told that my struggle has become an inspiration to others still struggling to emerge from the dark, scary place of a brain injured cocoon. I found through sharing my story, and lessons learned; that I could still contribute to this world that overwhelms, terrifies and no longer accommodates me. I could never before have imagined myself doing this...now I can't imagine doing anything else.

The following story is a touching account on how the struggles in life are difficult, but sometimes necessary. I didn't write it, but I speak about it in my presentations, and it is the catalyst for naming my beloved butterflies who support one another, myself, and other family members touched by brain injury.

For all the butterflies who have emerged from your cocoon....injured, but not defeated...bless you. Embrace the gifts gleaned through your struggle and use them to bless others. Your journey is not over---its only just begun! For those who are still struggling to emerge into an uncertain future, we are praying for you and spreading our wings to support and encourage you.

Through our collective struggle, we can educate, support, and show our beauty to the world.

The Butterfly and the Cocoon

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly, that he brought home. One day a small opening appeared in the cocoon. He sat and watched the cocoon for several hours as the butterfly struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making progress. It appeared as if the butterfly had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further. The man decided to help the butterfly in its struggle. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon... and the butterfly emerged easily.

As the butterfly emerged, the man was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expecting that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body which would contract and the butterfly would be able to fly. But neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle were required for the butterfly to be able to fly. The butterfly must push its way through the tiny opening to force the fluid from its body and wings. Only by struggling through the opening, can the butterfly's wings be ready for flight once it emerges from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been…and we could never fly.

~Original Author Unknown

Kimberly Carnevale

Motivational speaker/Author/Educator

www.KimberlyCarnevale.com

As the anniversary of overcoming our homelessness approaches, God provided us with an unexpected and precious blessing

2011-09-12T08:00:00.012-05:00

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From the time we "hit the road," leaving behind all that we knew nearly a year ago, all of our well-made plans crumbled one by one, leaving me reeling; trying desperately to find firm footing and God's plan for our lives.

From the very beginning, I have yearned not only to be able to support myself and my little girl through disability-accommodating income, but so deeply desire to utilize the gifts of amazing life lessons that I've learned through my tremendous hardships in order to honor God and be a blessing to others.

For the past decade, I'd devoted my life to my ministry, Canine and Abled, Inc. Back on the East coast, I was blessed to be given the opportunity to advocate for other people with disabilities, educate about disability/service dog awareness, and share my testimony and story of how God turned my tragedy into triumph. I felt so blessed to be in a position of paying forward the second chance at life I'd been given, and I very much looked forward to continuing and adding to that ministry here in TN. Unfortunately, introducing a nonprofit into our new home state during tough economic times proved unsuccessful, and I was forced to shut down my beloved programs and search for alternative ministry options.

Last week, I had an unexpected encounter with a homeless woman. We had a good laugh over something funny, and before I left, I gave her all the spare change I had. I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since.

On Saturday, Sarah and I stopped to use the restroom in a McDonalds, and I ran into another homeless woman huddled in a booth in the back, counting some change. God laid it on my heart to give her a certain sum of money---so I did. Her tired, weathered face instantly perked up; gratitude, surprise, and sheer joy lighting up her seasoned features. I found myself longing to know her story.

Not wanting to intrude, despite having so many questions, I let her know that God, Sarah, and I love her and turned to leave. A single tear slid down her smiling face as she lovingly grasped both my hands in her wrinkled ones. It suddenly dawned on me...this is someone's grandmother, mother, sister or daughter---where was her family? A knowing look exchanged between us--we were kindred spirits; this gentle, beautiful soul and I. Our eyes met, we smiled at each other through tears that readied to spill over, and I was humbled to my core.

That encounter blessed me beyond words, as less than a year ago, Sarah and I were homeless ourselves. For 4 1/2 years before coming to Nashville, we struggled to overcome unexpected and tragic circumstances that caused the loss of our entire family and home.

It had been my dream to be able to pay forward all the kindnesses that were shown to us throughout our homeless and difficult times; and here I was, being granted that wish. Though I was technically the giver in this situation, I received so much more than I gave. I felt needed, accepted, and was utterly blessed by being given the opportunity to do something for someone else.

It's been very difficult for me to acclimate in this new place where I knew no one, and where some locals feel a bit suspicious of outsiders. Despite my strong desire to find ways to help others, many situations left me feeling largely rejected and unwanted. However, these women weren't suspicious of me, they didn't reject me, or see me as an outsider; quite the opposite was true. They welcomed my presence and gratefully received the small gift and love that I offered them.

I saw myself in the eyes of those homeless women, and know without a doubt that our meetings were not by happenstance. God had laid it on my heart to lift up and encourage those women....and others who have lost their homes; and I pray and look forward with expectancy that more of the same type of opportunities will arise to enable me to do just that.

Paying forward all the kindnesses that have been bestowed on us, and being given the precious opportunity to love on the people such as the ones I've recently met is such an honor and blessing. It makes all that Sarah and I have gone through so much more meaningful seeing it played out now as part of God's plan, and I pray that God allows me more opportunities such as these in the near future.

God is sooooo good!

~Kimberly

Kimberly Carnevale is an author/motivational speaker based in Nashville, TN, who takes great joy in sharing her testimony and amazing story and life lessons with others. Her unique insights come from someone who's nearly lost their life and scratched and clawed their way back to success. These pertinent life lessons inspire the corporate world, politics, and day to day living. She is available for nation-wide bookings.
www.KimberlyCarnevale.com

Resource Mapping--my personal map to overcoming brain injury dysfunction and embarking on the journey to independence and success

2011-08-01T12:46:00.010-05:00

Since obtaining my brain injury in 1998, I've been blessed to share my tragedy to triumph story as a motivational speaker (http://www.kimberlycarnevale.com/). My speaking provides me with an artistic/spiritual outlet, as well as the potential for a very necessary disability-accommodating supplemental income I need to be financially stable.

I recently gave my speaking site a "makeover," to bring it up to date, spruce up and enhance the visual content and make sure that my visitors have an enjoyable experience while visiting my site.

When re-arranging all the objects and information on my site, I have a "map" in my head...something that I envision in my mind that I try to reduplicate on my web pages. When I'm writing articles/books, the process is the same; I have a picture, or map, in my head and my goal is to transport my readers through my story in order to provide them with information, share something with them, or make them feel a certain way about my subject matter.

Since sustaining my brain injury, I find that I am a very visual learner. For me, having a map to guide my creative process ensures that my completed project will turn out as I envisioned it. It keeps me focused, brings me back to original ideas, and keeps me on track if my injured brain starts to get confused or wanders off topic.

Two weekends ago, I was privileged to partake in a process, which I believe, has forever changed my life for the better. The process is called "resource mapping." Just as its name implies, mapping outlines a map that the survivor can follow that will lead to their chosen goals/destination in life.

The map process outlines short/long term goals of the survivor, recognizes the road blocks that currently exist, comes up with viable solutions (via extra support), and assigns specific tasks to a group of supports to help the survivor reach their goals. Support team members are given specific and time-related tasks to fill in the gaps of the survivor's dysfunction to help the continuation of forward progression of tasks (especially pertinent in times of cognitive slides and recovery), and clearly defines the steps that need to be taken to get to the chosen goal.

Since my arrival in TN, I have not had the trained supports that I enjoyed in NJ. These supports came in the form of trained social workers and kept my life organized, re-introduced me to my projects after recovery time (to prevent back slides of productivity), and helped me accomplish multi-step tasks, which are the most troublesome to me since brain injury. Subsequently, I slid. A lot. It made getting my once-successful business off the ground here, virtually impossible and kept me in continuing financial lack.

Projects which I started but had to stop in order to recover from cognitive impairment, became overwhelming masses of UN-processable information spewed everywhere. Forgotten steps in uncompleted tasks remained unattended to, further complicating many financial and daily living issues, and utter cognitive exhaustion left me unable to attend to anything other than the basics of life.

I was holding my own, tunnel-visioning and taking care of the primary necessities of life...but that was all. I was in sheer survival mode. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't gather and maintain the wherewithall and creative cognitive functioning that would take me above my current "survival mode" life situation and bring me to the level of financial independence/success that I enjoyed in NJ with my extra supports. The stress of the continuing failure cycle took its toll and added to my feelings of being overwhelmed and discouraged as well.

But then, an idea came; sparked by my former social worker (and very dear friend), Amy from NJ. She had just attended a mapping training for her job, and the entire time she was in class, she kept thinking, "This is exactly what Kim needs!" And so, she and her co-worker, Cailynn, drove all the way from NJ to TN to begin teaching my support team the business of resource mapping.

My team (which consists of close, trusted friends), and mapping coordinators met up for an intensive, six-hour mapping session which perceptively defined my goals, the issues/dysfunction I experience that prevents me from reaching my goals, assigned people to time related tasks, and set in place future tasks/time frames in which to be completed in order to reach my short/long term goals. Plans were also put into place to re-assess goals as they are met, and plan for new tasks; which will be assigned accordingly to new goals in order to ensure that the map grows with my progression.

My favorite part of this process is that now when I have my cognitive slides, I will no longer experience the back slide of production that I've encountered here without support. I have a point person who keeps in constant daily contact with me and directs the rest of my team according to my present needs. My team will be keeping up with the things that need to be done, phone calls that need to be made, and contacts that need to be attended to, so that my business will continue to grow, even when my brain decides to misbehave.

My map

Since my mapping (just two weekends ago), I've already experienced a tremendous burst of restored brain-power and functioning, because my supports have taken over the tasks that my brain has trouble processing. Having those tasks taken care of allows me to put the worry out of my mind and focus on something else---something that will help propel me and my business forward.

To say this process will have a huge impact on my life is an understatement. I feel this is exactly what I needed to keep my life as independent, functional, and productive as possible. I feel as though the cavalry has arrived at last!

Just as I create and implement the pictures/maps in my head for redesigning my web site, crafting speeches and writing articles, I am now able to perceptively see my goals and each step for those goals on my resource map. I no longer have the feeling of anxiety to complete a task that is overwhelming to me, because supports are in place to accommodate that area of my disability; freeing me up to do what I love to do best---be an unstressed Mom and be able to embrace and enjoy the time I spend with my little girl; and share this amazing journey and God's grace with my audiences and readers and helping others to believe in the beauty of their dreams.

I'll keep you posted on my ongoing experience with this process and will share anything else that is pertinent in the future. For more information about mapping: http://www.inclusion.com/maps.html

Blessings to you all,
~Kimberly
http://www.kimberlycarnevale.com/

The Lollipop Lesson---the story of the struggle with brain injury in homelessness and how a little girl and a lollipop brought forth hope, faith and healing

2011-07-22T20:20:00.000-05:00

This is the true story of our homelessness, written in 2007. I reader of mine requested a re-posting and so here it is. Blessings to all.
*****************************************************

October, 2007:

It's been a difficult year to say the least. My daughter, service dogs and I lost our home and entire family due to a brutal attack right about this time last year. We’ve depended upon the kindness of others to provide temporary shelter; and are truly grateful.

For a while after the attack, I was numb. Post Traumatic Stress froze my emotions in an attempt at self-preservation. I tried to remain strong for my daughter, waiting until she was asleep to cry the tears of fear, loss, and panic that gripped my heart.

I tried desperately to rationalize the situation, but no matter how I looked at it, I came up empty. I kept thinking, "On the whole, I'm a good person. I give of my time, possessions and my heart to others. I treat people fairly and always try to do the right thing. I’m teaching my daughter the same Christian morals and values that had been instilled in me as a child..." and yet, though I was a good person, and my daughter was an innocent; we sustained a brutal attack brought on by alcoholic rage of a once-loved and trusted family member. I couldn't get my mind around the betrayal. I prayed—a lot. I was disheartened that I didn't get any response, and felt that God had betrayed me as well.

I became obsessed with my loss, and the injustice of the whole thing. At one point, I felt as though my daughter might be better off without me, that I was holding her back from having a secure future. If she were placed with a real family, then she would have a chance at a good life...one with a roof over her head. I was the one who was disabled and unable to provide adequately for her; I was excess baggage. She had her whole future ahead, and I feared that having me in it ensured her a difficult and dismal one.

I felt as though I failed my little girl in so many ways. She misses her friends, a room of her own with pretty things, and the security of knowing what tomorrow will bring. The guilt felt like a wet coat, gradually getting heavier, weighing me down and preventing me from moving forward.

I've learned so much from my little girl over the past year, and I look at her with a new wonder and admiration these days. Though she clearly remembers the horrors that no child should ever have been witness to, she forgives as we are taught early on. For most, true forgiveness is lip service. "I forgive you," is a benign phrase we are prone to say when we know we should, but we often lack the ability to truly let go. Not my little girl. She still remembers the attack, still feels the loss; yet she has somehow found it in her heart to completely forgive our attacker who hurt us so badly.

She never complains, although she has every right to. She went from having a beautifully decorated bedroom of her own, to having only what the police could load into our van that cold, scary night; and a few subsequent, police-guarded truck loads that permitted us a few more boxes of belongings. The rest was left behind...along with the only home she ever knew, all her friends, and the innocence and security that should be a child’s right; all that was cruelly snatched away from her.

Advertisements for toys, trips to amusement parks, and other things that she can’t have taunt her at every turn, yet she is the first to offer up one of her few remaining and cherished toys to another child who is sad or hurt. At bedtime, she offers up prayers to others, never asking for anything for herself, because she feels as though she has all she needs.

She doesn't complain when I'm sick and can't play with her, doesn't seem to notice that my speech slurs when I'm tired, or that I move a lot slower when my injured brain gets overwhelmed, or my MS flares. She doesn't complain when I can't give her the extra things I know deep inside she would love to have...only issues an "I love you Mommy...you're the BEST Mommy!" whenever possible, seemingly oblivious to my disabilities and my shortcomings.

I dug through the change at the bottom of my purse and bought her a lollipop at the store today. She'd had her eye on it the entire time we were in line to pay for our purchases. It was the kind of lollipop you'd see in days gone by that are twisted with different colors; a neat old-fashioned pop that cost $1.00. She never asked for it, never whined or even gave me the "look" that pleaded silently...which is exactly why I decided to get it for her. I really couldn't afford it, it's the end of the month and I only had $1.35 left to my name. I wouldn't have any more money coming until the first of the month, almost a week away, when my scant disability check arrives... but she'd been such a good girl, and I really thought she deserved a special treat. I foolishly worried that my last few cents should've been better spent.

For several months, my little girl knew we couldn't afford anything but the bare necessities; so she never expected anything more. When I reached into my purse and counted out enough for the pop, you would have thought I gave her the key to the magic kingdom! "Thank you Mommy! You're the BEST Mommy!” She shrieked with sheer joy, thankfulness gushing from her lips and unabashed love and joyous tears shining in her eyes as she hugged me with every ounce of strength her tiny body could muster.

All at once, the cloud of despair that had hung over me lifted and I shed the coat of guilt I'd been carrying for so long. Throughout our ordeal, my daughter focused on the values that I'd worked so hard to instill in her; to appreciate what you have, never wanting more than you can fully appreciate. (I never knew how on target those lessons would be). I'd taken her to church, and taught her how to pray; always thanking God for the gifts in our lives...and trusting Him when things didn't go so well, knowing that He had plans in mind that we may not be privy to. I had many conversations with her about the value of "things" vs. the value of our relationships..with Christ and with one another. She'd listened. She paid attention! Most importantly, she Applied what she knew of her relationship with God to her not-so-great situation, and emerged virtually unscathed. It dawned on me that though I had my shortcomings, and though I was disabled and didn't have much to give her in a material sense; that I was her mother... and in the midst of upheaval, the lessons I'd instilled in her from birth paid off in a big way. I'd done something right! Something very right.

I knew without a doubt in that very instant, that I was the family that my little girl needed. I knew that I wasn't baggage holding her back; I was the glue that was needed to keep us together. I knew that my daughter needed me and loved me despite my shortcomings, and despite our situation. She was doing exactly as God teaches through scripture... to be happy right where you are; not waiting for something to change before deciding to be glad and grateful. In the midst of my grief, I'd forgotten that; but my daughter remembered, and God made sure she reminded me. I knew without a doubt that I had been blessed from above. With tears in my eyes, I realized that the angel that stood happily devouring her unexpected treat at my feet had also blessed me; and I was never going to be the same.

I was in awe at this child of mine, and I was so thankful for the lesson she’d taught me.... while I’d wasted my time feeling guilty and focusing on what we'd lost, my daughter had moved on and was focusing on what remained...something that was more important than anything else; through it all, we had each other---all the rest was icing on the cake of our life...or in this case, lollipops in the candy jar of life. Though I only had 35 cents to my name, I felt richer than ever.

My daughter's youthful insight to an adult situation brought me to a place where there is no longer any room left for doubt or worry; leaving me with the ability to put all those useless feelings that had been cluttering up my mind behind me, ultimately freeing me up to enhance my life through opportunities I have since created from my new perception.

Though she's only four, my daughter has the ability to be able to look past what she's lost to find true joy and satisfaction of having only the very basic necessities; and being truly grateful for them. She rejoices in the simplest of kind gestures and goes out of her way to do the same for others. How many of us adults can claim that?
I've learned a lot from her; I hope you have, too.

In the spirit of giving, I wish for your life be blessed with the insight of my little girl, the shedding of your wet coat, a new and positive perception of life...filled with an unlimited supply of lollipops.

--Proud to be the one Sarah calls, "Mommy"

Postscript:

Kimberly and her daughter, Sarah have recieved an outpouring of letters, emails, and requests to know how they are doing since the writing of the Lollipop Lesson. The year is 2011, and Kimberly and her daughter have overcome their homelessness and are living very happily with their dogs (Dawson, Gracie and Nadja), in a beautiful apartment in middle Tennessee.

Kimberly has introduced her award-winning motivational programs and canine educational programs in their new home state, and it is showing tremendous promise. She trains dogs and shares her biblically-based training principles with their owners to eliminate behavior issues and bring out their God-given ability. She is currently working many writing projects, including a heart-felt journey into the last few years of her life and the tremendous lessons God taught her through the darkness...and through her lollipop-loving little girl.

Kimberly and Sarah volunteer with their therapy dogs with law enforcement, child welfare agencies and anti-drug coalitions to help victims of abuse and alcoholism. Kimberly is a staunch advocate for brain injury awareness/prevention and keeps a blog about what living with brain injury is really like. She works with many organizations to improve brain injury reform in America and speaks to any group that will benefit from her story in order to pay forward the second chance God has given her.

Sarah is thriving in her new stress-free environment and takes her school work very seriously. She even studies on her own, because she knows that dreaming big and working hard towards that dream is what leads to success. She demonstrates canine behavior skills with her mom at their events, and wants to be an animal behaviorist and work with zoo animals when she grows up. She's learned through her experience that it takes hard work to make dreams come true---but they really do come true if we work hard, have faith, and stay positive--keeping our lives filled with lollipops.

http://www.kimberlycarnevale.com/
http://www.canineability.com/
Copyright 2007 by Sarah Lynn Communications, L.L.C All Rights Reserved
To contact the author: canineandabled@aol.com

For those who doubt validity of "invisible disabilities," and for those who seek better understanding---Welcome to my world; A Day in the Life of Living With Brain Injury and Cognitive Dysfunction

2011-07-14T13:10:00.005-05:00

I woke up this morning at around 9am, and stayed in bed until almost 11. It wasn’t because I was still tired, or because I was feeling lazy. It was solely because I was afraid to venture out of the safety of my bed; knowing that with the cognitive dysfunction I was feeling yesterday, it was likely to remain (or gotten worse) and was waiting to pounce on me.

Courtesy of the accident that left me with my brain injury, I have severe tinnitus. My ears always ring; they have since the day of the accident. It also left me with major hearing loss on my right side. I've modified the tinnitus part of my disability by always having a TV or radio on in the background of any room that I am in to try to drown out the incessant buzzing. But today, the ringing is LOUD, in both ears…and very painful. Any additional environmental noise on top of that ringing is torture.

I tip-toe through my apartment, as though that might help the pounding in my head; or lesson the incessant and very loud ringing. Of course, it doesn’t.

The phone rang this morning, nearly severing the composure I'm clinging onto by a thread. The sound of the phone ringing was like hurling spikes into my head. The message machine clicking on after the unanswered four rings sends me deeper and deeper into my spiral downwards; and so I’ve been forced to unplug it.

I'm very much looking for any type of comfort, in any form. Coffee. I love my morning coffee, but when I turned the faucet on to fill up the kettle, the noise of the water rushing out of the faucet actually made me gasp in pain, and I quickly turned off the spigot to stop the onslaught of a very unlikely environmental weapon formed against me.

When I sit in the quiet, I start to feel a tiny bit better. My brain seems sated and its nearly bearable; though I sit in deathly fear of someone coming to the door, or the dogs barking at something; things which will surely steal the blessed moment of bear-ability I’m currently experiencing.

And then, the feeling of guilt from doing "nothing" sets in and is replaced by the "need to get something done” starts to tug at my heart. I'm well aware of the mountain of things and projects I need to get done in order to grow (and keep) my business running, keep my household neat and running efficiently, and all the countless other things that tug at me in every direction. I'm also well-aware that the world will not slow down or wait while I try (unsuccessfully) to keep up, and there will be a whole lot of overwhelming "catch up" to play when this dysfunction finally decides to let me go and live "normally" again....for a little while, at least.

I have an intense work-ethic borne from being a professional athlete in my former “before-brain-injury” life. If I’m not doing something to earn my way, I feel guilty---even when I’m sick. I feel as though I should just be able to push through it and get on with life. But as soon as I try to do anything, even the simplest tasks such as vacuuming the floor, or folding the laundry; becomes impossible, and the effort sends me deeper into dysfunction and confusion. Athlete mentality doesn’t always work with battling brain injury. Sometimes, most times, in fact; you just need to rest to heal.

Sitting and healing. That’s just about all I’m up to at the moment. If I sit long enough, I just might gather enough cognition to be able to go to the park for a quiet walk, or go to the swimming pool for an afternoon dip…but I’m at my brain’s mercy. The uber-strong desire to get on with my life is in a constant, and losing battle with my reality. Tears prick at the backs of my eyes, threatening to spill over in sheer, overwhelming anxiety of the uber-desire and need to get on with life; but sheer, heart-breaking inability to do so.

I dearly love my friends, but in this state, its difficult and overwhelming to be around them. Just having an extra person in the room is way too overwhelming for my injured brain to process. Trying to hold a conversation is a monumental task that I don’t have enough “brain” reserve for…and something I’m just not up to. I’ve been down this road before…have taken offers of well-meaning friends to hang out, or do something low-key. And it exhausts me and depletes me--extending the cognitive torture for longer amounts of time.

What many don’t understand is that in this state, if I even talk, I’m setting myself up for a major downward spiral at the end of the day. I know if I try to use the small amount of reserves I have left to talk; I will pay the price for utilizing too much brain power, and after they leave, I will spiral into a deeper dysfunction.

And so I hide. I hide from a world that terrifies me and is so painful to me in these moments. I hide from people who doubt me, and choose to believe that I’m in some way “faking” or “stretching” the devastation of my disability. These folks don’t understand, and don’t care to learn about my invisible disability, which is every bit as debilitating as any physical, visible disability; if not more so.

I think about a car that's engine has blown. At first glance, the car appears normal and fine, and it may be difficult to see that anything might be wrong beneath the closed hood. However, if you tried to start that engine, or work any of the car's components (radio, air conditioner, etc.,), those systems would fail because the car's engine...it's epicenter has been damaged.

A look under the hood by a good mechanic would provide a definitive diagnosis. At that point, most people would find it perfectly reasonable to believe that if a car's engine is damaged, the rest of the car wouldn't work so well. And yet, when a human being's epicenter (the brain) is damaged, and someone has been diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury, subsequent dysfunction and disability is often shrouded in disbelief and doubt.

And so, when I emerge from my healing cocoon from my latest dysfunction, appearing “normal” and “fine,” I solidify the doubters’ opinions of me and my “so-called disability.”

This is the face of brain injury. I look fine. But looks can be deceiving. Just because you can’t see someone’s disability doesn’t mean that they don’t suffer from it; and all the challenges that go with it.

Traumatic Brain Injury affects millions of people, their family and caregivers. It disrupts lives, breaks up many marriages and puts a strain on relationships. The fact that many symptoms are behavioral, emotional, or cognitively based makes it difficult for the casual observer to be compassionate, and many times, TBI patients are wrongly accused of “being lazy, irresponsible, have lack of control, or just plain crazy.”

TBI patients feel a sense of loss over their lives, and feel badly for the behavior that they have trouble controlling. Many are misdiagnosed, and suffer symptoms for years before proper treatment is provided. Others have trouble accessing resources, and get lost in the system, never fully able to take advantage of programs/assistance that is available to them due to the lack of advocacy.

If a patient doesn’t have close friends or family members to navigate the very limited resources that are currently available for Traumatic Brain Injury, they miss out on health care, daily support, and even basic care needs.

I think this bears repeating: Traumatic Brain Injury is often invisible to the casual observer; but just because a person doesn’t show outward signs of a disability, doesn’t mean that he/she doesn’t suffer from it; and all the challenges that go with it. Education and awareness is key to patients with TBI to find the compassion, tolerance, and assistance they need.

The next time you hear about someone with an invisible disability who is suffering; pray for them. Offer to help them. Let them know you're thinking about them and learning more about their disability so that you can be more compassionate. But probably most importantly---believe them---they're already battling a demon bigger than you can even begin to imagine. Having to prove their dysfunction and struggle in order to be accepted is simply an unfair burden that they should not have to bear.

~Kimberly

Kimberly Carnevale is an author and award-winning motivational speaker/educator. She is currently available for Nationwide bookings.
http://www.kimberlycarnevale.com/

Time keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin... But hey, at least I LOOK fine ;-) Brain injury as the invisible, silent epidemic

2011-07-03T12:50:00.004-05:00

Hello, all. Wow, so much time has lapsed since my last entry, I'm terribly sorry. Again, I have the best intentions of keeping everything going, but brain injury dictates that I have a tunnel-vision focus, and can only concentrate on one thing (if I'm very lucky!) at a time. The one thing has been trying desperately to get my business going to help support myself, and so, the blog has been neglected, I'm so sorry to say.

I'm swimming in the pool of cognitive dysfunction at the moment... as many of you with brain injury know, this is not a pleasant dip by any stretch of the imagination.

I had a post on our FB fan page the other day from a fellow survivor, relating how upset she gets when people in her life (who know full well she has a brain injury), continue to exclaim, "But you LOOK fine!" and how crestfallen she was afterwards. I know exactly what she means...it happens to me all the time; and it hurts every time. "Hurts? Why would that be?" you might wonder.

Well, look at it this way, when you relate to someone that you don't feel well and are struggling, when they respond in a way that says, "Well you LOOK fine," meaning, "you must not feel all THAT bad, because you LOOK fine", it implies that you are lying or trying to get sympathy from a non-existent or barely existent condition. It hurts, because the symptoms that you really are feeling are so horrible that you don't relate them, and suffer in silence in a world that doesn't understand or accommodate.

When we talk about brain injury, we're talking about your body's epicenter being injured. If a main component in a computer went bad, you'd have all sorts of issues with the entire machine, right? If your car's engine went bad, its a pretty good bet that the rest of the things aren't going to work well (if at all) either, right? While the computer and the car wouldn't work well at all, it would continue to "look fine," even though its operater has learned full well that all is not fine at all.

While its easy for us to imagine the devastation to any of these key components to a machine...its difficult for people to imagine the devastation of brain injury on a human body. The brain controls everything: thinking, breathing, moving, blood flow, heart beat, vision, speech, memory, cognitive function...the list goes on and on...It should be fairly evident that many of the symptoms of brain injury would be invisible.

I'm suffering today, and so I've sequestered myself in my apartment and don't plan to emerge until I'm feeling better. This is mostly because the world is a very overwhelming place, and because I may "look fine," people may not understand my need to not stay and continue a conversation that I just can't, or misinterpret my anxiousness for wanting to get away from them, or not being able to understand what they are saying as me not paying close enough attention.

Many people with brain injury find it easier to stay away from society than be subject to explainations that fall on deaf ears, attempts at making accommodations that others don't feel warranted, or just because its so hard to operate in a world that moves so utterly fast in dysfuction.

There are those who may express limitations, they may not be respected because the survivor was able to do something the day before, so why couldn't they do it again today? Or, you look just fine, despite the survivor saying they are not doing well; so its hard to believe that they are suffering as much as they say they are. It's so much easier to just hide from the world that doesn't understand.

In my own case, I'll be "off the grid" for several days. To most folks, I'll appear "normal" and "look fine", with no evidence of the struggle that I'd just faced...and so it would be difficult for them to grasp the gravity of the devastation of brain injury.

The one thing I pray that people get out of my story is education: I pray they learn how to protect the only brain they have, that they learn how to help (and not hinder, even in a well-meaning attempt) their loved ones with brain injury, and will continue to help me spread my message of how vitally important is is to protect your body's epicenter at all times. Don't pity me, learn from me; and take what you learn to help others. Blessings to all the brains out there (injured and intact)!

Here's a link to an article that God gave me the ability to write a while back. Brain injury associations around the world use it to give a glimpse into the survivor's world and what living with brain injury is like. I pray that it gives those who would say, "But you LOOK fine" pause and provides an insight that perhaps would convince them that a little compassion would find its way to healing: http://www.kimberlycarnevale.com/But-you-LOOK-fine.html

~Kimberly
http://www.kimberlycarnevale.com/
http://www.canineability.com/

Brain injury---The silent epidemic of a condition lived in a "different" world

2011-05-22T22:01:00.003-05:00

Prior to my accident, I lived in a world in which I felt that I truly belonged. I lived, not just struggled to exist as I do today. Its amazing how much brain injury changes everything. Simple things don’t exist anymore. Each daily task is a monumental challenge that for the most part, goes unnoticed because for the most part (at least in my case), brain injury is invisible.

Brain injury is widely known as the “silent epidemic.” I can totally relate to that, as it seems that though my world continues to cave in around me, no one notices, because outward appearances belie the silent hell I go through to keep up with a world I feel I no longer belong in.

I constantly feel out of synch, left behind, trying unsuccessfully to catch up to a world that left me behind 13 years ago. Confusion and forgetfulness reign supreme in my life these days.

When I get overwhelmed trying to “catch up,” I can’t get back to friends’ messages, respond to phone calls/emails, or even attempt to plan anything beyond the minute I’m currently in; as I try desperately to attend to the very moment's need.

People don’t see my struggles, and they find it difficult to relate. Friends get frustrated at my inability to respond in a manner that the normal world does, and when my silence accompanies my cognitive lapses/meltdowns; misunderstandings fly rampant as to reasons for my silence. I’ve had many friends’ feelings hurt, many angered, and many more have simply just walked away.

I have the very best of intentions to be a gift to society---instead of a burden. I have so many gifts that I want so very badly to share with the world, but it doesn't appear it wants them. I shout into the wind to the world, trying so hard to "earn" my way through it--- but it can’t hear me, and my message gets muffled in the stampede of people, hurrying to getting where they’re going…and my voice is silenced. The hard truth is, no body cares about brain injury until it happens to them, or someone they love.

Brain injury truly is the silent epidemic. I will, however, continue to shout from the mountaintops the amazing life lessons I've learned through this journey, and how important it is to take care of the only brain you have----even if no one's listening.

Blessings,
~Kimberly

The best intentions don't mean squat when you're living with brain injury

2011-05-14T23:01:00.002-05:00

Back on April 20th, I started a series dedicated to people who are affected by brain injury. Survivors, caretakers, loved ones and friends were to be given a voice in the "silent epidemic" of brain injury. I promised to be that voice for my "butterflies," from our Face Book fan page.

On April 21st, my little girl got seriously ill. On April 27th, we were in hiding for a good part of 72 hours while Mother Nature reeked havoc, spawning several deadly tornadoes all around us. Shortly after, I became sick then spiraled into cognitive dysfunction that caused me to step out of life to recover once again.

It is now May 14th, and this is the first time that I've felt up to writing anything. I still can't gather the thoughts I need to fulfill the promise of the next installment of my brain injury series---but I am dedicated to fulfilling that promise.

Unfortunately, many survivors of brain injury have the very best intentions. But those intentions don't mean squat when the brain (the body's epicenter), is injured and decides to misbehave. No matter how willing the spirit may be, the brain just won't cooperate; no matter how much urging, cajoling, or wishing its owner fruitlessly expends.

As you can imagine, having this sort of unreliable epicenter makes for a very difficult time keeping up with a world that refuses to stop or slow down during such cognitive meltdowns. Playing "catch up" becomes a new way of living, and never really feeling settled becomes the new norm.

I'm still feeling very fragile and overwhelmed. I have the best of intentions---just not the ability to follow through at the moment. To my beloved butterflies, I promised you a voice, and I fully intend to continue my mission to do just that---just as soon as my brain cooperates.

To the rest of the world: I don't share my personal journey for the heck of it. I give people a glimpse into my life (all the ugly, sordid, sometimes embarassing aspects) of what life is REALLY like living with brain injury, in order to make people more aware of how quickly (and totally) life can change because of brain injury.

Don't let my story become yours, or that of your loved ones!! Take my story and change yours---I've said it before, and I'll continue to say it till the day the Lord calls me home----you have ONE brain. Learn from my story, and those of all the butterflies currently touched by brain injury. Protect your body's epicenter (and those of your children)----don't spend the rest of your life regretting it!

Blessings,

~Kimberly

A photographic journey...

2011-05-05T22:46:00.001-05:00

While looking for something else this evening, I came across some old photos. It's a compilation, of sorts, of my life before Canine and Abled, and the road leading through our journey...

During this time of laying my beloved programs to rest, I am consoling myself with the thought that maybe...just maybe there will be a time/place to ressurrect this dream---that perhaps I have to let go of my beloved dream in order for God to give me a new one---I just pray that whatever He has in mind for me in the future has room in it for Canine and Abled, Inc.

I hope you enjoy this photographic journey of an organization that helped me heal, gave me a new dream, and allowed me the blessing of being able to help others.

To Canine and Abled, Inc.:

My friend, Amanda and I after a morning of galloping racehorses at Philadelphia Park Race Track

A news clipping of me riding one of my favorite TB racehorses, Java

My coach (Mark Leone of Ri-Arm Farm), and Crown Royal Artos

Me, with a much older (and grayer!) Artos, a.k.a., "Arty"...my absolute favorite
equine resident during my tenure as Ri-Arm's barn manager

Riding a Grand Prix course on a client's horse named, Cowboy

My horse, Pocket of Air...I met Pocket when he was still a racehorse, and I was assigned to him as his exercise rider. I absolutely fell in love with him, and purchased him when he retired from racing. He went on to become a successful hunter under saddle and dressage horse.

Reignbow Ridge's Flying Hope, a.k.a., "Slack" my "big" horse who took me to a level competition I'd always dreamed about. He made all my dreams come true and taught me many important life lessons. I also met Slack as his exercise rider at the racetrack. He'd been abused and needed major, intensive rehabilitation. All the patience and hard work paid off as he became the wind beneath my wings, helping me to achieve what should have been impossible.

Reignbow Ridge's Classy Lady, a.k.a., "Toots". Toots was a very sassy little mare who was my second string competition horse. She was known for her bucking, squealing, and kicking around a jump course. She was very cheeky, expressive and definately had a mind of her own!! I loved competing her, as did the audience...who often would line up on the rail when her number was called to watch her antics!

"Toots" and me, on the day we talked to Mark Leone about coaching me

The car I was driving on July 2, 1998 when tractor-trailer rear-ended it, leaving me with a traumatic brain injury and other permanent injuries. My life, and my dream as I'd known it were over.

My first service dog, Dewey. He saved my life, he alerted to my seizures, pulled my wheelchair and taught me how to walk again----most importantly, he taught me how to LIVE again! With his gentle, steadfast assistance, I was able to start rebuilding my life out of the rubble of my shattered dream. It was with Dewey by my side that I was about to embark on a journey that is nothing short of a miracle--a journey that would lead me to a new dream in Canine and Abled, Inc.

Me, with Dewey

My four-footed angel

Starting Canine and Abled, Inc.

Service dog trainee, Dawson joining me for training as my second service dog,
and as a partner in Canine and Abled, Inc.

I had to relearn to read/write in order to publish this book. I could never have done that without the support of my service dogs. They gave me the courage to go back into the world that terrified me, licked away all my tears and helped to distract me from my pain. Without them, I shudder to think what would have become of me.

My little "Smurf" joins our family

The Canine and Abled staff at an Expo

Gracie joins the Canine and Abled family as a therapy dog...

...followed by Nadja who began training as my third service dog

A reporter doing a story on Dewey (on monitor in background) after his death

Smurf performing with Nadja at an event

Smurf with the Canine and Abled dogs

Gracie, Dawson, Nadja with Smurf and I

Together, we will forever be....Canine and ABLED!

~Kimberly

A time of deep mourning

2011-05-05T12:56:00.002-05:00

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26

For the past thirteen years or so, life has not been kind to me. Its like there was some firm line drawn to separate me from the happy, carefree youth to keep me on the abusive side of life. Living with a brain injury is difficult on even the best of days. On the worst of days, its sheer torture. Still, I trudged on, thinking that if I “took it on the chin,” trying to stay positive (not always succeeding, but trying, mind you), and if I maintained my faith--I would be able to get through this--stronger and wiser for the lessons learned.

Instead, I’m beat up. Absolutely beat to a pulp by life. When I look into the mirror, I recognize the dullness in my eyes. The light has gone out, and I'm to the point of not caring to try to get it back. Those dead eyes reflect the same pain as the many abused dogs I’ve known in my lifetime as a canine behaviorist. Those eyes have had the lights turned out, the light that once shined with hope and belief that somehow, things were going to work out okay.

A friend of mine said to me the other day, “I’m angry at God on your behalf! It’s like he puts these little glimpses of hope out there for you to grab onto, and then at the last minute, slams the door in your face…over and over again.” That conversation really got me thinking, and she’s absolutely right. It’d be one thing to just have things not work out, but in my case, things start showing tremendous amounts of promise and then WHAM! Another closed door, and another shred of me broken.

If I were trying to teach a dog something, and promised her a treat or game with a favorite toy as a reward, but then withheld the promised reward; even when she did what she was being asked… the dog would shut down; give up. The “promised” reward wouldn’t mean anything to her anymore because by now, she knew that all her attempts were completely fruitless.

I feel exactly like that shut down dog right now. Completely and utterly abused and teased by a life I just can’t seem to figure out, no matter how hard I try. My injured brain and subsequent deficiencies get in the way of concerted attempts at trying to make things better and always looking for ways to help/inspire others along the way. And yet, instead of the tidbits of hope I yearn for…people walk out of my life repeatedly (many without explanation or good-byes), community resources that are supposed to help folks like me don't answer my pleas for help, and doors continue to slam in my face with the same resounding and unapologetic THUD!

This week, I made the crushing decision to close down my beloved Canine and Abled, Inc. organization. The costs of overhead were bogging me down at at time when my little girl and I are struggling to remain in our home, and lack of interest here in our new state proved to me that I just wasn’t doing any good here. I feel as though a large part of me has died, and I’m truly in deep mourning.

Trying to re-motivate a shut down dog and overcome abusive aversions is a very difficult and speicalized thing. The success rate is dependent upon the length of abuse, continued patience and repitition of a caregiver, and the fortitude of the dog. I wonder what the success-rate is in the recovery of a brain-injured person who has had their family, home, child-hood friends, feeling of safety, and most beloved dreams taken away; and forced to endure the daily abuse of a world that doesn’t accommodate them?

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26

~Kimberly

We survived the southern spring storms--Today, we're mourning those who didn't

2011-04-28T23:10:00.008-05:00

Hello, everyone. I'm veering off the regular subjects of living with brain injury and RV living to address the recent tornado disaster in our area.

Many folks, knowing that we are living in the area that was hit hard by the spring storms this week, have written to inquire to our well-being. Smurf, the dogs and I appreciate and thank you for your concern and prayers. We had some bumpy going, and some very tense moments; but in the end, we were blessed to have escaped the more intense wrath of these monster storms.

We're left today feeling numb and depressed for those who weren't so lucky.

We've been living here in middle Tennessee since October of this year. In that time, we got "more cold and snow than usual" "more rain than usual" and "more tornadoes than usual."

When you're from the northeast, blizzards, thunderstorms, flooding, and the occassional hurricane are the norm. You are definitely not used to "tornado season," or the weatherman/woman interrupting regular TV programming to track rotating winds, and dropping everything, running for cover when storm warnings come through; this type of storm can be really disconcerting to a newbie---especially when you don't have a basement!

On Easter Sunday, Smurf and I had just gotten in from church and were getting changed when the TV weatherman cut in and tornado warnings went off. We pulled the dogs into our laundry room with us and crouched together until we got the "all clear." We didn't know that very nearby, this funnel cloud was passing through.

The photo above was taken by local, Rick Murray.

On Monday, the storms started. On Tuesday, we were warned to sleep with "one eye on the weather," making sure that we had a weather warning device to wake us up should we have to flee for our "safe place" in the middle of the night. I chose to stay up and keep a guarded eye on my still very sick, little daughter. In between checking her breathing (she started having trouble with her asthma from her strep infection and high temperature from scarlet fever--poor kid!), so I checked her breathing and felt her forehead regularly throughout the night.

At about 2am, there was a break in the weather (a short reprive we were told), Smurf was breathing normally, and her forehead was cool enough to allow me to rest for a little while. At 4am, the warnings sounded again. This time, I got up fixed a cup of coffee and resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't getting anymore sleep that night. We had some fairly significant thunderstorms...but the tornadoes stayed to our south.

On Wednesday, we spent the majority of the day with the weather/news on in the background (it was the only thing available on all the network channels), carefully listening to the growing threats of tornadoes approaching. Our "safe place" was fully stocked and prepared, and we prayed... a lot. For our safety, the safety of friends and the safety of all the animals we love so dearly.

By late afternoon, early evening, it was apparent that our particular area was going to be spared the majority of the dangerous tornadoes, as the system was picking up speed and pushing the storms to our south and east. I let go a sigh of relief, thankful that our guard could be dropped for the first time in 72 hrs., and thanked the Lord for keeping us safe.

Our weather station started to crackle a bit, and so I switched to the Weather Channel, just to keep an eye on the radar until the last little bit of storms moved out of our area.

That's when I saw it.

As a reporter was broadcasting live from a balcony north of Birmingham, a large funnel cloud began to appear in the distance. At first I thought, "oh, how cool...this isn't something you see everyday." But my infatuation soon turned to sheer horror as this black, twisting mass turned into a living, breathing, massive monster that was devouring everything in its path.

I sat there in stunned silence, the full realization hitting me that I was watching as people were losing their homes...and lives. My eyes were glued to the horror before me as my heart went out to those in its path and my lips murmured fervent prayers to those in the path of the giant monster that seemed to grow in fury as it marched across the TV screen.

The meteorologist became speechless and visibly shaken. Trying desperately to regain his composure he choked out, "In the thirty years I've been doing this," he said, "I've NEVER seen anything like this before."

It was surreal. Knowing that my child and I had just escaped the furor of the same storm system not twenty minutes earlier was absolutely earth-shattering for me. We're still shaken today. Shaken and absolutely grateful that we escaped that black monster's path--but so, so sad for those who weren't as lucky. Thirty-three people were reported dead in Tennessee, 298 in Alabama (where the death toll is expected to rise) , 33 in Mississippi, 15 in Georgia, 5 in Virginia and one in Kentucky, according to The Associated Press and the Weather Channel.

The news people here said the only reason we didn't get the monster tornadoes that they experienced just to the south of us was that it was only sunny here in the afternoon for a short time before it began to rain. We got horrible flooding as creeks and streams spilled over their banks---but that rain saved us from yet more devastation as it cooled the atmosphere, robbing it of the fuel that was ever present in Alabama and points eastward (where the temperatures rose throughout the day and clashed with the cold air mass of the approaching storm front).

We survived. We've still got all of our property and loved ones are okay. There are hundreds of people out there who weren't so fortunate and have lost everything in a blink of an eye. We pray that God gives them the strength and comfort they need to go on, and for healing for those who have lost loved ones. Our hearts hurt for their loss and we pray for their rebuilding efforts in the days, weeks, months and years to come.

The killer storms of yesterday are gone. This particular venting of Mother Nature's fury has been spent and is somewhere over the Atlantic. Tonight, stars twinkle bright in the clear skies over middle Tennessee. Looking up at them tonight, I couldn't help but think of the swirling, angry clouds that loomed there just a short time ago...and the scars that will forever remain for those in the path of the big, black, twisting monster that gobbled up a portion of the southern landscape on April 27, 2011.

Folks....go hug your loved ones. Tell them that you love them and never let a time go by that they don't know that. Let that love shine in everything that you do. Chat with your neighbor, see how they're feeling today; and mend rifts with your enemies. Life's so precious and fleeting. Let's let love be our legacy.

***If you would like to help storm victims, contact the Red Cross. You can visit www.redcross.org to donate , instantly donate $10 by texting REDCROSS (All Caps) to 90999 or call 1-800-RED-CROSS.

~Kimberly

Brain Injury Survivor without a GPS--Part 1 of A Good, Hard Look At Brain Injury Support Systems

2011-04-20T12:31:00.007-05:00

I started writing this post focused on a singular direction, and found in further research and delving into the subject, it begged for further elaboration on several fronts. Therefore, I am separating "Survivor support systems" into a series, which I will cover over the next few days.

I know that since my accident in 1998, I have experienced from (even the most well-meaning) friends/families/community members, misunderstanding and nonsupportiveness in regard to my brain injury and subsequent deficits.

In my case, today (thirteen years out from my accident), I "look normal," so the people I come in contact with can't see my cognitive struggles, and often lack the compassion or even belief that I am, in fact, suffering from life-altering disability. I have a hard time expressing my needs when I am spiraling in dysfunction, and so I tend to retreat into a hole until I emerge...once again "looking great and normal," without a soul knowing of the arduous and often agonizing struggle I face. Because of this, I often feel utterly and totally alone in this big, scary world that no longer accommodates me.

I've often wondered how many of us feel utterly unsupported through this scary, confusing, largely un-adaptable world...and how much brighter our lives could be...how much further we could stretch our wings, if only we had better support systems. (I'm fluttering in my fantasy of such a life!!)

I also know that caregivers share their own burdens...not being supported enough to be a support to their survivor, guilt over the frustration that they feel due to a lack of understanding of the behavioral issues, roller coaster of emotions their loved one goes through, and inability to be able to "fix" their loved one. There is a sense of loss of the person the survivor once was, but no time to mourn---only to buck up to navigate the dizzying, confusing and exhausting world of brain injury.

Through this series, I'd like to identify/explore the issues faced on all sides of brain injury support (survivors, caregivers, brain injury resource professionals), and get us all thinking about what can be done to help solve these issues and give all of our survivors the ability to become the beautiful butterflies we were meant to be.

(* Butterflies--a term of endearment I use to describe the survivors/their families on our Face Book fan page. Our butterflies/family/friends are struggling through the difficult challenges of lives touched by brain injury. The struggle produces transformation and strength needed to spread our wings and bring beauty of personal victories to the world and shed light on much-needed awareness to the "silent epidemic" of brain injury).

Today's post focuses on the importance (and often) lack of resource support for survivor independence.

*****************************************

A few of my survivor "butterflies" expressed on our fan page that they were having a rough day today. I discovered an overwhelming common denominator in their shared hopelessness---they felt so alone and misunderstood.

Out of the folks who were having a hard time dealing with the frustrating/overwhelming effects of their brain injury, not one of them felt as though they were supported, understood, or loved adequately. (Shout out to my butterflies as a matter of record---I love and care about each and every one of you!!!)

Any brain injury expert will tell you that a solid, unfailing support system is absolutely critical to a survivor's success in rehabilitation, and life. In this series, I will identify the breakdown of many support systems, offer insights from each side, and explore solutions to rebuild the critical relationships that need to exist in order to promote the healing/well-being of the survivor, and maintain the ability of their caregivers/supporters to continue to help our butterflies stretch their wings.

Throughout my own journey as a brain injury survivor, I've come to discover that brain injury associations largely assume that survivors have family/close friends to advocate and support them after leaving rehabilitation and assisted living care. But what if they don't?

It's also been my experience that little to no programs exist to give the much-needed boost to survivors who do not need to live in an assisted living facility, but merely a little some additional help to be successful in a fully-integrated, independent life.

The Oregon Task Force on Brain Injury writes,

"At present once patients are discharged from the hospital, there are very few service options to help address the variety of challenges these patients face. As a result, most TBI patients face a post-hospitalization landscape lacking in adequate support systems and viable care options. What makes the situation more difficult is that many individuals with TBI look outwardly normal, but still are significantly impaired in ways that affect their everyday functioning. In this sense, TBI is a "silent epidemic".

Wow, couldn't express that better myself! So if organizations such as this know this, then why isn't the information being shared throughout the country--and more importantly, why isn't there more help available?

Let's say it comes down to budgets and spending. There's not enough funding to go around. I get that, but to that I say, "Then what happens to those who (with a little extra help have proven to be able to earn income and become contributing members of their community); who because of lack of post-rehab help, are clearly falling through the cracks and are experiencing poverty, homelessness, and are in a place where just a little help could make them financially stable and able to contribute to a society that has forgotten them?"

In my own case, I'm about to become homeless (for the second time in less than five years). I lost my entire family and home in a brutal attack by an alcoholic family member in 2006. There were no provisions in my parents' wills to protect my interests or provide me with an advocate after their deaths. An understanding and supportive social worker helped me put my shattered life back together, helped me establish a workable budget and helped me make a plan to move to TN where I was offered a disability-accommodating job opportunity.

Upon my arrival here, the job fell through, and I couldn't afford the apartment I rented for my daughter and I. I sought out human resource help, and was chagrined to learn that most of the help out there was unavailable to me becuase of my inability to use the phone. I communicate nearly soley through email because of auditory processing disorder.  When I email resources for help, they give me phone numbers, and when I ask for them to help me make them, they say they don't do that.

I signed up for the Ticket To Work program, a program that offers disability accommodating job training/counseling and assists people with disabilities find viable employment while protecting their benefits. A few days after I sent off my interest in the program via email, a large packet arrived. In it was a book of providers (which numbered in the hundreds), which I was to go through, research each one to find out who was best to help me, call them to set up a phone interview, and then determine which provider fit my job needs.

Really? Um....helllllloooooo, I have a brain injury!

I got down the first two pages of the book on the first day, took notes to follow up the second day and my duties as a single mom pulled me away for a few days. When I was able to go back to it, I'd forgotten everything that I had already done, couldn't remember where I left off, and what else I needed to do. My notes didn't make sense to me, because the memories attached to them were gone. The task before me loomed so large and overwhelming--I knew I couldn't tackle it alone. I've searched for nearly three months now, there's no one to help me navigate the inaccessible resource that could very well provide me with the disability-accommodating income I need to thrive.

I haven't been able to obtain the cognitive assistance that I once had to give me the boost I need to be successful--the end result is that we're losing our home...again.   The crazy thing is---I only need one person three-four hours a month to give me the ability to be all that I can be---a viable, contributing member of my community who can draw income (from disability-accommodating situations) and provide independently for myself and my little girl. Isn't that one person 3-4 hours a month more cost effective then having me completely dependent upon public assistance?

I know so many survivors who may have lost some of their abilities through brain injury, but they have so many other skills to offer....viable, markatable skills that they are more than willing to utilize to become more financially independent.

So what's the problem? There's no bridge from those skills to the implementation of those skills in vocational rehabilitation. If they lack the advocacy to set up the initial appointments, intakes, and ability to remember to follow up on critical details, they are unable to take advantage of a substantial resource that could help them become all they could be.

Wouldn't it make more sense to take some of the funding used for supporting survivors who have the possibility of reaching (at least partial) financial independence with welfare social security and food stamps to provide that bridge and help them become self-sufficient? I know I'm game for that!! But yet, even though it makes a whole lot more sense, where is it?

So who is a survivor meant to turn to when there's no family to support them? Where are they to go when current resources are inaccessible to them, and despite cries for help, they continue to slip between the cracks of a system that clearly doesn't work for all brain injury survivors?

Yeah, I haven't figured that out yet either.

In the next post, I'll explore the intricacies of family/friend/community support, and how these systems can often break down through misunderstandings and inadequate education of caregivers/families/friends. If there's a a personal story you'd like to share, or comment you'd like included in this series, please let me know! (I can be reached at: canineandabled@aol.com )

~Kimberly

If you haven't already, be sure to click the "follow" button on the sidebar to continue to be notified of our discussions of life living with brain injury.
*Would you like Kimberly to come speak to your group/function? Check out the links to her programs/speaking services below:
http://www.canineandabled.com/
http://www.kimberlycarnevale.com/

We've come to a fork in the road of our journey---waiting for the GPS of our lives to recalculate

2011-04-18T09:16:00.001-05:00

If you've been following our journey, you know that we've been struggling to figure out which way to turn next. At the beginning of this life-changing trip, my daughter, service dogs and I left behind four and a half years of homelessness and all that we knew in New Jersey to embark on an RV brain injury awareness trip that would lead us to our final destination and new home in middle Tennessee.

Our plans for promised land use to set up our proposed equine assisted activity program fell through upon our arrival, and so we set out to launch our canine programs here in our new home state. With the economy being what it is, and not having any contacts getting new bookings proved to be easier said than done.

We decided to give our new location until this past weekend, where we were asked to perform three of our canine educational programs to see if we could get something rolling here in TN. The expo didn't draw the huge crowd the promoters had expected (and hoped for), but our performances were well attended, received and reviewed. Despite the great time had by all at the expo, the results haven't shown themselves as of yet. Typically, we get 100-200 hits on our web sites after such an event. This weekend-- 0 hits from the show. Ouch.

Since the inception of our award-winning programs, we've had great feedback from audiences, media, and the disabled community whom we've touched with our story. Knowing that we were making a difference in others' lives has always been the driving force in keeping this program going---against all odds. However, there are many people financially hurting all over, and the support that our nonprofit once received was abruptly stopped; leaving the overhead to myself, our board members and volunteers.

It dawned on me the other day that if we're struggling to keep the program going, and no donations or bookings were coming in---that perhaps the time for our beloved education programs has run its course and its time to lay them to rest. It comes down to simple math---the overhead to continue running the organization is still there, but the revenue is not. This fact is not something that can be ignored...and I am considering all of these factors in making our decision of whether to stay in TN and give up our organization, give up our apartment and move into our RV to lower expenses and figure out a new way to earn disability-accommodating income -or- give up our apartment, move into the RV and hit the road; trying to introduce our programs in a different area....or secure work-for-site-rental in RV parks around the country.

Back to the expo...We did make some great business connections while we were there, however, and a few organizations showed marked interest in partnering with/booking our programs. These are the highlights that we are currently focusing on. While performing some of the best performances of our career, and making several wonderful contacts at the show, the bottom line is that doors still appear to be firmly shut in our life here in Tennessee, and it has brought me to a place of careful introspection and prayer to determine if this is what God wants from my life. Every closed door speaks volume to my introspection.

I found this verse in Proverbs recently. Proverbs 3:5 says,

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding, v-6 In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths."

My own understanding leaves me feeling utterly dumbfounded as to which way to go next, and so I am definately not leaning on it! I am trying, with all my heart, to acknowledge him so that he will direct my path; and I pray that I am in tune enough to distinguish his voice and learn which direction he would like us to take next.

For now, I am recovering from the tremendous strain I put on my injured brain on Saturday and spending more time than ever listening....listening ....listening to try to determine what path is on God's GPS for our lives. I pray that whatever he has planned for us involves us staying here in TN, where we've made so many wonderful friends and enjoy an amazing church life. But if he tell us its time to move on and Hit The Road again, then we are ready to do that as well.

For now, we are sitting at a crossroads, hoping for a sign. A decision needs to be made soon... I will keep you posted!

~Kimberly

Stepping back into time... another glimpse at my recovery (and my near death from suicide), in prose

2011-04-15T10:55:00.000-05:00

When I finally stopped fighting my recovery and became an active participant, a shift in perception and attitude occurred. Suddenly, I felt it was my job to try to help others through this difficult journey of brain injury; I guess it was a way for me to pay back my second chance a life. A life I tried to take through an overdose. Here's a story of my recovery I don't exactly like to share, but feel that I must, as it holds such opportunity for education and prevention.

I thought I would share a few poems that were written (actually tape recorded until they could be written once I recovered enough to do so). I think these words truly depict the raw emotions of that very uncertain time in my life.

Looking back, I can clearly see them as a desperate cry for help--and wonder why my family and medical community didn't see them as such. It was mere weeks after writing these words (and sharing them with my doctors/family) that I attempted to escape from my pain by swallowing a cocktail of my medications that literally flat lined me.

I hovered in the place between life and death and came back forever changed. I spent a month in the hospital, recovering from the damage to my heart and mind that the overdose caused. It was somewhere during that recovery (and save haven of the hospital) where I re-discovered my will to live. I was given tools to utilize to advance my recovery, despite my family members' reluctance to assist me. I only wonder---why did it take a nearly successful suicide for someone to finally give me the help I'd been begging for?

The hospital was a glorious place for me. It accommodated me in ways the scary world outside didn't, and the people inside were trained in the ways of my injured brain. I never wanted to leave, but I knew I needed to head back into the unaccommodating "real" world eventually. It was in those moments that I embarked on this mission that I'm on today---to help change others' lives through my experiences living with brain injury. I sought to help others' families/caregivers to realize how potent their words, frustrations and lack of support can be to a survivor with a very fragile grip on life. When no one else would listen to my cry for help, I turned to prose to express the feelings that needed so desperately to be heard.

These poems were published in my first book.

Life Song
Copyright 1999 by Kimberly Carnevale. All rights reserved

What happened to my big, white horse
racing the wind to carry me away?
Why can't my mind remember
the tools I used only yesterday?

So many dreams
faded away so fast;
so many dreams locked away so deep in my past.

The door I closed shut
just a short time ago
is begging to be opened--
I'll find the real me there, I know!

Nightmares scared me
from what I thought was reality;
now I envision my future
the way I want it to be.

No more living
for someone else's dreams--
I've finally discovered
what freedom really means.

Once I thought
I was just a big mistake--
but now I truly realize exactly what's at stake.

A soul is given only one precious chance
one heart to beat, one dream to live,
one very special song to dance.

Whose Eyes Are Crying My Tears Tonight?
Copyright 1999 by Kimberly Carnevale. All rights reserved

Whose eyes are crying my tears tonight?
I swore I'd never give up,
but now I'm losing this fight.
Stilled words and emotions of a broken heart,
shards of a life left torn apart--
tell me, whose eyes are crying my tears tonight?

These feelings are tearing me up inside,
I can't express them, but I can no longer hide
the bitter pain locked away so very tight;
oh tell me, whose eyes are crying my tears tonight?

My past is clouded in a deep, dark haze;
faded memories of brighter days.
The future holds such uncertainty--
why can't I remember who I used to be?

Fighting the pain won't make it go away,
it's starting to take over, more every day.
I'm riding a wave of mixed up emotions
that go higher than the sky and deeper than the oceans...

Someone from above must have had another plan,
the easy road forsaken, down the troubled one I ran.
But somewhere down that road, I lost my strength to fight--
let the heavens rain down on me and cry my tears tonight.

These feelings, they scare me---no one understands.
I can't control them any longer, I'm no longer in command.
I want this nightmare to be over, want to dream a dream tonight--
troubled heart, so afraid, whose gonna cry your tears tonight?

I don't understand these feelings inside,
where do they come from, why won't they die?
I want to come in from the storm and return to the light---
I want to cry my own tears tonight.

Hold on...
Copyright 1999 by Kimberly Carnevale. All rights reserved

Won't someone please help me?
I'm losing what I fought
so hard to hold onto.

Opposing forces getting stronger,
I can't hear my heartbeat any longer---
won't somebody please help me?

I remember times,
not so long ago
I was on my way to better things.
Fate stepped in to lend a hand,
I'm no longer in command--someone please help me, I'm falling.

I struggle to fight the daily fight.
I can no longer see the light,
pain has taken over.

My dreams, they drift away on silent breezes,
which linger for a moment to offer
some glimmer of hope, only to be pulled cruelly out of reach once more.

I refuse to settle, it's just not in me.
I have to save me...

The pain I bear is unending,
sometimes even maddening.
But I know in my heart, I know in my soul
I will get through this and reach my goal.

Hold on spirit, hold on heart! Hold onto your dreams--
just hold on...

********************************
Not long after I penned the above poem, I succombed to my mental agony and downed a cocktail of medications to try to get away from the maddening pain.
My heart and breathing stopped and I was clinically dead for a short time. I awoke to a machine breathing for me, and heart monitors/wires all over me.

Families, caregivers and friends---don't let this happen to your survivor!! Make sure they feel supported, loved and HEARD at all times. While the situation for everyone is frustrating, the survivor often lacks the ability to express the frustration/feelings adequately, and overwhelming mental anguish can result.

Be sure to educate yourself (and anyone who has contact with the survivor) on how best to interact with, provide support for, and how best to honor their spirit. Please don't let what happened to me, happen to your loved one. Education is key to a survivor's successful rehabilitation---body, mind and spirit.

In the spirit of education and promotion of little known brain injury fall out, I open myself up to any and all questioning by caregivers/survivors. If anyone has any questions about my own experience, I'd be happy to answer them.

God bless you all who are sharing this uncertain road of brain injury with me.

~Kimberly
http://www.canineandabled.com/
http://www.kimberlycarnevale.com/

10 Famous People with Brain Impairments

2011-04-13T23:55:00.000-05:00

I came across this list of ten famous people with brain impairments on the Center for Neurobehavioral Health web site. I thought it was very interesting, and decided to share (note: this list was copyrighted in 2001, so more recently injured celebrities such as Natasha Richardson, Gary Busey and Congresswoman Giffords are not mentioned):

10 Famous People with Brain Impairments

10. Charles Whitman, the man who climbed to the top of a tower at the University of Texas and started blasting away. He was later found to have a brain tumor near the amygdala, a center for aggression.

9. Phineas Gage, the first well-documented survivor of traumatic brain injury, in 1848. His case convinced the medical profession that the brain was intimately involved in behavior.

8. James Brady, who suffered brain damage during the assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan. His plight brought national attention to brain injury rehabilitation.

7. Ellen G. White, renowned visionary and author of the Seventh Day Adventist Church in the late 1800's, whose visions may have been related to alterations in brain function following traumatic brain injury.

6. Larry Flynt, publisher of "Hustler" magazine, who suffered brain damage following an assassination at tempt.

5. Stephen Hawking, astronomer, physicist, author of "A Brief History of Time," and a sufferer of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (Lou Gehrig's Disease), a brain disorder that paralyzes virtually all skeletal muscle but leaves cognitive function intact.

4. Muhammad Ali, victim of Parkinson's Disease. It is sus- pected that boxing triggered this brain illness, but the evidence is not conclusive.

3. Ken Norton, who fought Muhammad Ali in the 1970's. In interviews today, Norton slurs his speech and sounds "punchy." But in fact, his brain damage was caused by traumatic brain injury suffered in an auto accident.

2. Lou Gebrig, the esteemed New York Yankee baseball player whose name became synonymous with ALS. Gehrig died only a few years after being diagnosed with the disease. The technology that kept Stephen Hawking alive was not available in 1939.

1. Ronald Reagan, was most likely suffering from the early effects of Alzheimer's Disease throughout the length of his second term. He fell back upon overlearned behavior, such as his famed ability to communicate with others, to get by as his cognitive function slowly and inexorably declined over the course of his term of office. The average 90-year-old person has lost 40% of their brain tissue due to age, yet most function remarkably.

Copyright © 2001 Center for Neurobehavioral Health

~Kimberly
http://www.canineandabled.com/
http://www.kimberlycarnevale.com/

The exact moment when Brain Injury took my life hostage

2011-04-13T23:25:00.004-05:00

I was going through my first book (Canine and Abled, Taking The Dis out of Disabled, published in 2004) recently, and relived the moment that I realized what having a brain injury really meant. I wonder if all survivors share that "moment" in time when they must part ways with the life they'd known and somehow come to terms with a life living with brain injury. In this excerpt, I had just been taken back to the hospital after being released less than 24 hrs after my accident, and had started having seizures. Here's my "moment":

********************************************************************

My doctors stabilized me and referred me to the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia, where I was hospitalized for a week, hooked up on monitoring equipment that provided the doctors with all the data they needed to know about my head injury in order to treat it. It was determined during that time that I was also experiencing acute memory loss. I thought the year was 1996, two years earlier. I couldn't remember much about my childhood unless family and friends related specific memories to me. It was getting harder and harder to keep days in order and remember what I'd done a few days before, and there were frequent lapses in which I couldn't account for periods of time.

A deep, dark depression began to settle over me. I learned that clinical depression is often related to head injuries, as the brain's chemistry has been altered. It didn't make me feel any better to know the cause of the hopelessness. I was overwhelmed with my injuries, and my brain was contributing to the feeling of loss and confusion. I felt as though I wanted to die. I was given anti-depressants, set up with counseling for my depression, was medicated for the seizures and headaches, and was scheduled for cognitive rehabilitation to assist with my memory loss at a facility near my home.

Back home, things got harder and harder. I was always angry it seemed, something that was not in my nature. I was angry at the world. It seemed like the simplest tasks were demanding and it didn't seem to be getting any better. I had trouble speaking. I was always slurring my words, mixing them up, and finding the right word for the right application proved to be impossible. I would make cognitive mistakes like putting the milk in the cupboard, confusing products (i.e., I once mistakenly used air freshener instead of hair spray because the can felt the same in my hand), and on one occasion, even left the oven on with cookies baking inside. They were smoking and about to catch fire when my mom discovered them and came to my rescue. I'd completely forgotten that I'd been baking and went off to do something else.

I felt stupid and helpless.

In the weeks that followed, my neck and back injuries that had started healing normally began to get really painful and I experienced numbness and tingling in all of my extremities. By the end of the year, I had significant loss of feeling from the chest down. The doctors couldn't explain why this was happening, and I started a barrage of intensive testing that would drag out over the next two and half years.

They couldn't tell me what was wrong, but they kept telling me that my broken body just wasn't healing. For some reason I just got worse. It was theorized that a virus, perhaps somehow related to my Lyme disease, had set into the injured joints and was taking advantage of my weakened state, but that was never proven. Nothing was being explained. I was getting sicker and sicker and they couldn't do anything about it. The pain was indescribable, and was literally driving me crazy. I was on a variety of medications for pain, non of which really worked. I was drowsy and dopey all the time from the pain meds, so they gave me other pills to wake me up, and still others to maintain my brain chemistry.

I lost my driver's license due to my medical condition, and wouldn't be able to apply for it again until my seizures were under control. Not that I could drive anyway, because I would get lost trying to figure out where I was going and how to get there. I was still having seizures on a regular basis as the doctors tired to find the right combination of drugs to control them. I also developed an intense reaction at my loss of control during my seizures. A paralyzing fear of being attacked in my prone condition kept me from going anywhere, or being anywhere alone. I became a virtual recluse, a prisoner to my disabilities.

I was struggling in cognitive therapy, trying to relearn how to memorize by using my other senses, and to speak, read and write properly and effectively. It was grueling and frustrating work. I knew I was fighting against time, as they told me that whatever memory I was going to get back, I'd have to have retrieved within the first year. Anything past that would remain lost forever. The fear of losing even more of myself pushed me through the frustration and I worked as hard as I could.

While I could fight to regain my speech and memory, there was nothing I, or anyone else could do about my pain. I was losing my mobility. My legs were weakening to the point of collapse and even the shortest of distances exhausted me. I started walking with a cane, and leaned on furniture and walls to get around the house. Eventually, I found myself in need of a wheelchair for outings and some chores around the house. I'm going to get better, I told myself. Better than I was before. The doctors didn't know what they were talking about. I'm strong. I'm determined. I'm an athlete. I can overcome this...can't I?

I was in denial. In the months that followed, realization set in and it was apparent to me that things were never going to be the same again. How could this be? I'd worked so hard, only to have everything taken away from me just was it seemed it was well within my reach. Going from an active athlete to someone who needed assistance with the most mundane things was too much for me to handle. My world became one of fear and uncertainty...

********************************************************************

It was found that the pain and loss of feeling were caused by multiple sclerosis. I still struggle with many cognitive deficits and neurofatigue today, and find life to be excruciatingly overwhelming at times.

My therapist recently told me that when you're having difficulties where you are, its a good thing to go back into your journals (or book, in this case) to see how far you've come. The journey into my past gave me renewed courage to face my uncertain future; one living with brain injury.

I'll be sharing more of my journey in the posts to come. Until then, see you on the road!

~Kimberly

To purchase copies of my book, log onto my web sites and follow the links:
http://www.canineandabled.com/

http://www.kimberlycarnevale.com/

Introducing....??? Identity crisis after brain injury

2011-04-11T09:41:00.008-05:00

I saw something today that reminded me of my "old" self--the one who used to chase Olympic dreams and for whom "failure wasn't an option." It dawned on me that I had wrapped a definitive grasp of identity around the rider of my little girl dreams; and when my accident ended my dream, I thought that somewhere in that I had lost me, as well. I started thinking that I can't be alone in feeling this way, and that loss of identity doesn't exist only in former professional athlete--but in all survivors; mourning the loss of who they always percieved themselves to be.

For me, the accident peeled away layers of who I thought I was, to reveal who God had made me to be. It was an excruciating process, which has finally led to me being content in simply....being....appreciating the world around me, and the blessings that are too numerous to count.

Introducing, Kimberly Carnevale, the professional athlete who ate, drank, breathed and slept riding horses---and loved every minute of it.

Introducing, Kimberly Carnevale, whose dreams of representing the United States were so close, she could almost touch them!

Introducing, Kimberly Carnevale, who was living her little-girl dreams with every jump, every heartbeat and every competition.

But dreams are very delicate things... and even the very best of them are not immune to disaster.

Introducing, Kimberly Carnevale, brain injury survivor. For a long time, this former athlete was a bitter, angry, depressed and hopeless victim. It was impossible to believe at that time, that a champion existed anywhere within this shattered body/mind/spirit. Cherished dreams cruelly slipped out of my fingers drifted away on silent breezes, leaving a stark, cold landscape of hopelessness in its place.

On July 2, 1998, my dream died...and a big part of me died with it. Riding horses wasn't just what I did, it had become who I was. My identity was securely wrapped up in the success of the horses I'd trained, the competitions I won, and the lofty goals I'd set for myself. Without it, Kimberly Carnevale ceased to exist---or so I thought for so long.

Wikipedia defines identity this way: "Identity (philosophy), also called sameness, is whatever makes an entity definable and recognizable"

What made me definable and recognizable prior to my accident was riding horses. I'd worked and trained hard from the time I was a child to achieve the level of competition that my little girl dreams were made of. I'd sacrificed a social life, all of my proms and things that "normal" teens take part in to train and chase points at horse shows. And yet, my dream; and my identity were shattered in a split second that would change my life forever.

Kimberly Carnevale--brain injury survivor. Doesn't have the same ring to it as Kimberly Carnevale--professional athlete, does it? And yet, there is a sameness between the two. It took me a very long time to find that part of the athlete who I thought died on that highway still existed in the recesses of my injured brain; yet she was there, fully present amidst the devastation of life as I'd known it. That athlete stood up on the inside when it was impossible for me to do so on the outside. She pushed me through the pain and reminded me to "fake it till ya make it" throughout my rehabilitation. She showed me that being a champion in life---a true champion---was so much more than being a success in the show ring; it was about being successful in this thing we call, life.

Becoming a champion in life involves a never-give-up, positive attitude, having viable back up plans in place for the inevitable challenges that you will face on the road to victory, and enjoying the entire journey...not just the destination.

Kimberly Carnevale---brain injury survivor taught me more about life than Kimberly Carnevale--professional athlete ever could. But the athlete inside me pushed my injured brain/body/spirit to achieve the "impossible."

After my accident, I founded, Canine and Abled, Inc. (for those not familiar, it is a nonprofit organization--and my ministry--which provides motivational education through unique canine entertainment. It has also proven to be the only vehicle in which I am able to obtain disability-accommodating income since my accident. It was through this organization that I dreamed of becoming completely financially independent--i.e, off of all social assistance and without help from friends). Without realizing it, somewhere down the line, C&A became my new identity. I'd inadvertently wrapped myself in a cozy cape of identity through this program, which had become my new dream.

Today, that dream is teetering on a mountain of challenges, and though I pray it will survive; I have to give it all to God. If the program fails, my daughter and I will lose our home. We won't be completely homeless (as we had for four and a half years prior to our arrival here), as we'll have the Butterfly Express (our RV) to call "home." Where we'll go with her is still one of the unknowns---the only certain answer is, wherever there is disability-accommodating income to be found. We have a performance booked for this Saturday. It will either be the stellar beginning we dream of here in TN, or our last performance ever. Either way, we're going to put on a GREAT show!

Learning from my past, I've separated myself from this identity---hoping that I won't have to give up this part of me as well, but fully prepared to do so, if that's what life has in store for me at this juncture. It's painful to think that all the hope, dreams, and time that we have invested in this organization would end so prematurely--but I know that sometimes when we lay dreams to rest, other bigger and better dreams await for us around the corner. And so, I'm working hard, doing the things that I can do; and praying and trusting that God will take up the rest.

So who am I today? I'm Kimberly Carnevale--first and foremost, a proud Mom to the most wonderful little girl in the world. I have been called a gifted dog/horse trainer, I am a good friend, I am a writer a music lover, a nature freak and hopeless dreamer. I am an advocate who stands up for what's right, even if it costs me. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. I have many talents for which I love to use to better the lives of others. I care for my fellow man/woman, and absolutely love animals--my constant hope is that something I do today might make the world a better place. I am a child of God, and seek to honor Him in all that I do. I am all these things and more. My accident or brain injury doesn't define me---I do. I am Kimberly Carnevale. I am happy just being Kimberly Carnevale.

~Kimberly

On the road again?

2011-04-07T10:02:00.002-05:00

Hello, all! Wow, it seems that every time I try to find a minute to update everyone as to what's been going on in our life, some major something or other drops into our laps, and we're forced into "survival mode" again! I promise, I will try to go back later and fill in the gaps of what's been going on with us, but first...

In October of 2010, my daughter, service dogs and I officially overcame 4 1/2 years of homelessness when we embarked on an RV brain injury awareness trip from NJ to TN. The road trip was building up momentum to the creation of our organization's new program, The Equine Ability program; to enable us to help assist other brain injury survivors and folks with PTSD, depression and other such disorders through an innovative equine assisted activity program.

Upon our arrival in Tennessee, all of our promises for land use, plans for our equine program, and hook ups for "The Butterfly Express" (our RV) fell through, and we scrambled to find alternative living arrangements and work that would accommodate my multiple sclerosis and injured brain.

We found a lovely, little apartment in a community which we soon fell in love with, joined a phenomenal church, and met some wonderful people we are now blessed to be able to call friends. We instantly fell in love with Tennessee; and all the beauty, hospitality and wonder it has to offer.

The next challenge was to find disability-accommodating, part-time work that would supplement my income needed for staying in our apartment. In between the cognitive slides/recovery that are now a permanent part of my life, I applied to every job I was qualified for (and many I wasn't!) on Craigslist, CareerBuilder and local bulletin boards. I had copies of my resume with me at all times, and would hand them out to people in lines at stores, ones I met on the street, and pretty much everyone I came in contact with--nothing. I advertised my dog training, horseback riding lessons and motivational speaking services online, and handed out countless business cards/brochures--still nothing. To the people I've met, I've offered to walk their dogs, pick up their yards of dog doo, scrub their toilets, mow their yards...anything. And yet, still nothing.

I've never had so much trouble drumming up income in my entire life. It seemed that every door out there had slammed in my face, leaving me wondering if I had to start formulating a new plan of action...

The Butterfly Express was originally purchased to become our home. When we arrived here and freezing temperatures forced us to park and winterize her, we needed to seek alternative living arrangements. Arrangements that we couldn't afford without supplemental income. The supplemental income hasn't been obtainable, but our Butterfly (who has been up for sale since our arrival), still sits in the parking lot, welcoming us with open arms, filling us with the reminder of all the hopes and dreams we had invested in her just a short time ago. She is calling us back to the road again, to seek out alternative opportunities that just might exist in a different part of the country.

There are many things to consider before embarking on another full time adventure. This time, we wouldn't have a set destination, or exit strategy. We would lead a nomadic life, taking us from temp job to temp job at RV parks around the country ( an RV lifestyle known as "workamping"). We would be leaving our new home, some amazing friends, a church family (all of whom we have grown to love and cherish), we would be letting go of a long-time dream. After school starts up again, I would have to home school Sarah--something that may prove quite the challenge with a brain injury. I've never tried it (homeschooling) before, but fear of the unknown creep into the recesses of my thoughts.

I've never let fear stop me before, and I don't intend to now, either. Faith in the God above who loves, protects, and guides me always keeps that fear in check---and so, we're fervently praying for His guidance now. To lead us to the path He would like us to take and whichever way He would like us to go so that we can be a blessing to others and glorify Him in everything that we do. When He leads, we will follow, and we will trust and be comforted in wherever He calls us to go.

We have one booking here in Tennessee that we're very much looking forward to. It's a kid expo on April 16th. We've had a choreographer and several volunteers helping us get ready for the event, and have pulled together an amazing feat in obtaining the needed paper, ink, and even gas money just to GET to the event. I'm giving our dream here in Tennessee until after the expo to see if we can get our programs up and running.

If not, then we will continue on with our plans to head back out on the road with "The Butterfly Express," following the road that God has set before us that most certainly, has been a tumultuous journey--one filled with dreams, tragedy, triumph and hope. We hope you continue to follow us on this journey, and by doing so, realize what a precious gift your brain is...and how in one second, your life can change forever..as has mine. The struggles defined in this blog are what life is truly like living with brain injury. You have one brain---protect it---don't regret it ;-)

~Kimberly

Our Tennessee TV Debut

2011-03-31T09:40:00.002-05:00

March is National Brain Injury Awareness Month, so when we were contacted by the folks from "Better Nashville," (a subsidiary of Better Homes and Gardens) to do a segment about living with brain injury, we were more than happy to oblige.

Sarah, the dogs and I arrived at the studio with great excitement and expectation. This was Smurf's first time being at a TV studio, and the folks there were great! They allowed her to explore, answered all her questions, and made us all feel right at home.

Smurf and the Canine and Abled dogs, patiently waiting to tape our segment on Better Nashville

Dawson, with WSMV's Weatherman, Paul Heggen

In the "green" room--which isn't green at all ;-)

Checking out the weather desk

Smurf, all ready for her close up!

It's showtime! Host, Kacy Hagerty with Sarah, Gracie, Dawson, Nadja and I

There was a lot of waiting to be done before it was time to do our segment, then all at once, the time was upon us, and we were "on." This was Smurf's first TV interview, and I couldn't be prouder of my little girl. I know I couldn't have been as composed as she was at her age! There were a few points that were supposed to have been made, that time didn't allow for; and I was disappointed about that..but all in all, it was an okay interview for a rusty few year hiatus ;-) Here, see for yourself: Canine and Abled's Better Nashville Interview

So now it's off to our next project--an appearance at the Music City Kid Expo on April 16th, where we'll be premiering our brand new, musically choreographed programs! We have our choreographer coming over today to show us the routine for the first time---we're really excited about that! We'll keep you posted on how all that goes, and maybe even post a few videos, showing the "before" and "after" of our performance ;-)

Till then...stay cool and we'll see you again soon!

To learn more about our canine performers, and our ministry: www.CanineAndAbled.com

*Canine and Abled, Inc. is a nonprofit organization. We depend on your support to continue our mission! There are several easy ways to support us, right from the front page of our site. You can purchase merchandise from our CafePress store, purchase one (or more) of our books, donate securely via PayPal (starting with $1 increments--every dollar counts! ), or book a program that your group won't soon forget!!

~Kimberly

March is National Brain Injury Awareness Month...Promoting it the best way I know how; with the truth of what living with brain injury is really like

2011-03-22T10:14:00.005-05:00

Hello, all. Wow, its been a really long time since my last post. Really sorry about that; I truly missed blogging though, and have had the urge to catch up for sometime now. I had originally set out to write about what's been happening in our lives since my last post, but as He often does, God steered my writing in a different direction. Feeling the flow of words flowing through my fingertips, I knew I was no longer writing, but being written through. This is what God would like me to share with you today (I'll be updating our happenings in future separate posts):

When I started this blog, it was an opportunity to keep in touch with loved ones while we embarked on the journey of a lifetime. Sometime during the preparation for our cross country trip, my heart was moved to share our amazing emergence from homelessness into an RV awareness tour which would allow us to shed a bright light on what living with brain injury is really like, in hopes that people would want to take better care of their brains.

I, like most people before a devastating life-changing accident, took many things for granted. Walking, talking, reading, writing, earning a living---these were all things that came easily and I never game them a passing thought. Until, in one instant, my world had changed, and these things that I took for granted would become all I thought about.

After my accident, I was aware that I wasn't "right." I knew my brain was several moments behind the rest of the world, and it scared me...not being "normal." For so long, I "hid" my dysfunction away from the world, because it was too embarrassing to bare my inequities in such a way that left me so utterly vulnerable. I'm reminded of how injured animals hide when they are in a weakened state, because they know the world outside would devour them if they showed any signs of weakness, or disability.

I felt much the same way the first time I stepped out onto stage, preparing to give my first motivational speech. It was somewhere during that time that God showed me that in order to change my audiences perspective (about disabilities, service dogs, and their own issues that held them back from experiencing God's best for them), I needed to make them feel something. The only way to do that, God relayed to me, was to share my heart; all of it. Even the weakest parts, and deepest fears/insecurities that I wanted (oh so badly!) to keep neatly hidden beneath layers of self-protection and a well-built structure of emotional walls. I needed to come out of the safety of my den and expose my weakened state...the dysfunction of my disabilities to a world that now terrified me.

I shattered those walls when I bared my soul on stage, and with God's help, became adept at allowing all the emotions from my journey to flow into the proper words and inflections that God was urging me to share. The words and inflections helped to create the successful sharing of information and motivation to change which became Canine and Abled's signature accomplishment and had audiences asking for more. God also blessed me with an opportunity through this venture to become financially independent as an empolyee of this company.

While I shared my weaknesses on stage, during times of cognitive dysfunction and struggle, I would disappear from the world; in essense, hiding myself like that injured animal, until I was healthy enough to survive back out into the world that I knew would devour me the moment I weakened again. In 2006 my daughter, service dogs and I lost our home to a brutal attack from an alcoholic family member. I was too weak to fight, and we remained homeless--and I lost the ability to run Canine and Abled...until a social worker in NJ came along and helped me put my life back together again. I couldn't afford a home of our own in NJ, though...and so when an opportunity opened up in TN, we jumped on it! Unfortunately, we haven't been able to find a social worker here to help me, as in NJ, and I am not able to achieve the higher level of functioning that I enjoyed in NJ.

This world is a terrifying place with brain injury. I never thought so until July 2, 1998. Since then, its clear that the world which I once felt so secure and happy in no longer claimed me as one of its own. It's busy, overwhelming and loud enough to not be able to hear my repeated calls for help navigating the miriad of pathways which seem to offer glimmers of hope for help...but unfortunately, not the type that I need.
I have no family or close friends to help me navigate the pathways that lead to the resources that would enable me to once again experience true financial security. I hear others talking about retirement, and wonder how I'll survive financially 5, 10, 15 years from now. I see the wonderful intelligence brimming in my young daughter's eyes and delight in hearing about her dreams of becoming an animal behaviorist. The moment is brought up short wondering how I'll ever be able to provide her with the college education she'll need to make her dream come true, and break the cycle of poverty that my injury has sentenced us too.

I have a lot of viable, marketable gifts that I could use to achieve that security---if only I had help to manage the parts of my life which brain injury make oh, so utterly difficult to keep up with. Sure, I'm maintaining a good home and life for my daughter and myself. I'm able to get (most of ) our bills paid, can keep the house clean, prepare healthy meals and can keep up with my daughter's school work, doctor/dentist appointments, and after school activities---the necessities of life, are covered (praise God), but I can't manage to get ahead---out of the poverty level we've been existing in for so long now. I'm managing... getting by...."making it," I guess you could say. But with just a little additional help, I could outright flourish. I know I'm willing to work hard towards my goal, I'm determined, I'm passionate about making a difference; not only in our lives, but in the lives of others...so many others I could help, I know I'm ABLE...if only I had just a little help----and yet, the world doesn't hear.

Playing catch up is my life. Catching the pieces before they shatter in a million pieces at my feet. Remembering our homelessness, and remembering how quickly it all happened and how long it took to overcome it; when unexpected expenses arise, biting back the fear of falling back into homelessness as it tries to permiate the outer recesses of my tired mind. The crazy part of all of this, is all I need to have in order to function oh so much better; is one person to come into my home maybe twice a month for an hour or two...and be available via email to answer any questions that may pop up in the interim, in order to be able to function at a level in which I have proven I'm capable of---with just a little help.

This is my reality; one that prior to a split second in my life that would change my circumstances forever. I don't think many people realize the social, financial, and physical implications that can cause a lifetime of poverty, social seclusion, "invisableness" and physical disability. Many injuries could be easily prevented or lessened with the implementation of safety equipment and good old common sense.

Today, knowing full well how quickly a life can forever be changed, I cringe at some of the chances I see people take--with themselves, and with their children. It is in those moments that every fiber of my being screams, wanting to let those who still have the chance to protect their brains to do so---to prevent others from living with the devastating consequences that brain injury causes.

Me, prior to the accident that would change my life forever

I went to visit a horse farm the other day. I was surprised and a bit horrified to see a few minors there riding horses with no head protection. I briefly shared my brain injury experience, and urged them to please, please, please protect the only brain they have... They grudgingly put helments on. By the expressions on their faces, I know they thought I was being "over-protective," "over-bearing", and "overtly-out-of-place" in trying to tell them what to do.

I remember being their age, thinking I was invincible, and thinking "it could never happen to me." I get it. I understand that kids don't think that things like brain injury could happen to them---and yet it does, in startling numbers---every single day around the world.

I wonder if I could give them a magic looking glass to show them a glimpse into the "before and after brain injury" of my life...a life of a professional athlete, once lived where financial freedom was entirely mine. A life in which after paying my dues, earning a good income and paying my bills was doable. A life in in which "wants" were satisfied easily, in stark contrast of today's struggling to fullfil "needs"; and personal "wants" so off the radar they are covered with the dust of the fallout of my "after brain injury" life.

I wonder if those kids who sat helmetless, and very carefree on 1,000 lb. unpredictable and powerful animals, would then realize that the brain they were exposing was the very epicenter of their body, and the animated chit-chat that flowed around them was able only because of the organ that now was so exposed and vulterable to life-altering injury. I wonder... if I could rewind every frustrating, excruciating moment of my rehab where I had to relearn how to read, write, walk and talk; and for months needed help going to the toilet, showering and getting dressed...I wondered if then, my passionate request for protecting their precious brains would be met with such bewilderment.

I wonder if those young people, with all their life stretched out before them just waiting for them to embrace it---would take the time to strap a helmet on their precious epicenter---if they could hear my story, and change the direction of their lives as I, and millions of other survivors, will never be able to do.

Dramatic? Perhaps. But living with brain injury is far more dramatic than any amount of words that I could put to paper---trust me.
Regret, frustration, confusion..these are the daily companions of a brain injury survivor. Friends fall by the wayside, not knowing how to cope with someone who has changed so much, or needs so much. Voices get silenced and the ability to acheive goals (such as desperately wanting to help others prevent injury and change people's lives through your story), is continually hampered by the daily struggle to overcome disability challenges.

I know my story has the ability to change lives. Imagine the frustration of knowing that you could help others avoid the pitfalls of your own life--perhaps even save some lives...if only you had a little help to get to the place where your voice could be heard.

God tells us to grow right where we are planted, and so, while my voice can not yet be heard by the masses I wish to someday reach, I implore those within the reach of my words today PLEASE hear this:

People, you have ONE brain. It doesn't heal. Protect it. Take it from someone who battles a fight you do NOT want to enage in....a fight that in many cases, can be avoided by taking some precautions. Don't regret it---protect it!!!

(Pssst!! It's National Brain Injury Awareness Month---Pass it on!)

~Kimberly

Being my own advocate

2011-02-08T16:01:00.000-06:00

Hello, all;

The past few days have been a dizzying blur of emails, visits and yes, even a few phone calls (for those of you who don't know me, I suffer from auditory processing disorder and phone calls can be downright painful and debilitating to me).

I'm without the advocacy that I had in New Jersey, and am unable to operate in as high a gear as I could, if I had the proper resources. Needing resources is one thing, finding them is another; and finding them while suffering from the deficits of a brain injury is a whole other ball game.

Many people take for granted their ability to resource-find. If you want information about a particular subject or product, you call about it and follow the directions of the person on the other end to obtain the needed service.

Okay, put yourself in an injured brain now.... let's say that you're having a good cognitive day and are able to make that initial phone call. The voice on the other end tells you that you reached the wrong department and gives you a different number to call. You do that, and while you're being connected, there's a bunch of "hold" music stealing your limited cognition by the second. Finally a voice on the other end asks how they can help you. You explain your situation and need and they take information from you and put you back on hold. The music is about to crumble your remaining cognition, but thankfully the helpful voice comes back on the line---only without helpful news. You need to call yet a different department, and they don't have a direct connection, "so here's the phone number...". You write down the number, thank the person on the other end and hang up.

Cognitively exhausted, but determined to do this, you dial the number given; only you wrote it down dyslexically and the number is no good. By the time you find the proper resource that can provide the help you need, you are so exhausted and spent, it's difficult to give the person on the other end the details that you need to obtain the proper services.

All this while you attempt to keep the house in order, bills paid, child clean/fed/entertained and so on and so forth. Pretty overwhelming, isn't it?

This is my world at present time. The state I'm in doesn't offer the exact services I need, so I have to try to find resources that might best be able to fit the needs I have that they can provide, and go from there. I haven't been able to obtain the help I need to organize all the information, phone numbers, etc. that is building up in my search. I'm trying to be as organized as possible, so as not to forget vital information; but it's difficult at best, and not something that will continue to work for me. I need a personal assistant to keep my life in order and remember things that cease to exist in my short memory banks.

Its a dizzying world of thought processes, memory and cognition levels that I struggle with---yet my desire is to have a high-functioning, independent, stable life; and I won't give up until I do.

Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot of help for survivors like me...ones that do not need to be in special housing; but do not have family-assistance and require assistance in my own home to be completely successful. This is one of the things that I'm working on, along with other like-minded individuals and organizations---to get funding to to towards the self-sufficiency of survivors who need a bit of help accommodating to a world that clearly does not accommodate them.

Well, that's about it for now. All in the day of a life of brain injury...takin' it just one day at a time ;-)

~Kimberly

What color is the sky in your world??

2011-02-02T23:41:00.004-06:00

Hello, friends.

First off, before I get started on what's been happening in our life....wanted to draw your attention to the above photo. This was a Christmas present to myself and Sarah---a professional setting with a local photographer. We'd never been able to do this, so it was such a treat for us! There were many beautiful shots, but this one of us together is my absolute favorite. I love having these family photos---our first ever, and will cherish them forever ;-)

Wow, it's been a long time since my last post--my apologies. I've been swimming the long, lonely river of cognitive dysfunction. I've recently been asked, "What is it like? (dysfunction of the cognitive sort).

Well, think of it this way... your brain is your body's control center. Everything your body does must get permission from the brain, first. When your brain is overwhelmed, over stimulated, over tired, or over whatever; it doesn't tend to do so well as commander-in-chief. This dysfunction can present itself in a variety of ways: speech slurring, word-finding difficulties, forgetting how to do a common task (like getting dressed), telling which foot to move forward, instructing your hand how/when to grasp, what different products are/do, forgetting what order to do things in (like following a recipe to make a meal, or taking the needed steps to get out the door on time in the morning), figuring out what color the sky is...and just thinking in general. As you can imagine, it is a very frustrating (and sometimes scary) occurrence.

It's also a heart-breakingly lonely time for me. When dysfunction hits, I can't express myself adequately, or for the amount of time people are used to me operating at. For as much as I try to explain my dysfunction to others, they just can't seem to comprehend it, and often are confused as to why I could do something very well yesterday, but completely and totally unable to do it today. My mental pain is invisible; and this makes it hard for people to understand (or be compassionate about) the amount of turmoil I'm in---and when my brain's on hiatus, I simply lack the verbiage to express it. To avoid hurting other people's feelings (by telling them that I have to cut our conversation short, or that I can't use the phone/talk at all today), I sequester myself and ride the agonizing roller coaster of confused emotions by myself.

Sleeping helps---a lot. It makes the mental pain go away for a blessed moment in time, recharges my over-tired command center, and gives me the ability to start the recovery process. While its great that I know how to best help myself, this is a huge stumbling block for me. I have what dr.'s have deemed a "three day brain." Meaning that I can function quite well on a somewhat "normal" schedule for three days, max. If I overdo on the first day, I've used day two and three as well; my brain simply quits on me and I need significant recovery time. If I push past this point, and ignore my body's call for rest, I will have done myself in and I can count on nearly a week of not being able to understand people talking, figuring out how to get dressed, figuring out what written text means, crying from the mental pain that any noise brings about, and virtually unable to handle anything except scraping by with the bare necessities of the day. It's a pretty difficult thing to deal with; because even though my brain wants to quit, my will and spirit want to continue--and my little girl still needs a Mom---to take care of her and pay the bills.

I'm experiencing a major conflict with my brain right now. Since arriving in Tennessee, everything that was planned and counted on has fallen through. This has forced me to seek alternative solutions to issues that were not even on my radar. The major one was finding a disability-accommodating job (one that will work with the schedule of my three-day brain). I've tried (without results) to get my Canine and Abled, Inc. program off the ground here, and have many great leads---however, those leads just haven't panned out into income-producing bookings---yet. I have faith that I'll be able to get the program going here; I just don't have the time to wait it out though.

So I updated my resume, and started sending it out to every viable position on Career Builder, local classified ads, employment agencies, and even perfect strangers on the street....still no takers on a very willing, talented, driven would-be-a-great-employee....with a three day brain (I don't mention the last part in my resume, btw;-).

Another huge issue for me is that I don't have a brain injury advocate (social worker) here as I depended upon in New Jersey. This advocate would come work with me 2-3 hours a week and would basically keep my life in order----make appointments (and remind me of them), help me sort through and follow through with the needs of my mail, fill out forms/applications, remind me of deadlines and conversations that needed to be had/updated and a host of other things that kept my life from spiraling out of control. Well, I still have the same injured brain, same disabilities, and no social worker. They just don't offer that kind of assistance here, and it's making job hunting, or getting a business going very, very difficult.

This, by the way, is precisely how one with brain injury falls through the cracks of society...and one of the paramount reasons that I continue this blog; to promote awareness of what brain injury is really like---and how devastating it is when a survivor doesn't have the critical support system of family, close friends, and/or support services.

I woke up today convinced that it was time to return to New Jersey, where I could get the advocacy that I desperately need. My loneliness told me how wonderful it would be to be surrounded by life-long friends, and I felt homesick---truly homesick for the first time since our arrival here.

I started searching for options in New Jersey---ones that maybe I missed before when I was trying so desperately to get out and head to Tennessee. And I was reminded, (by my inability to find remotely-affordable housing and God's gentle urging), that going back wasn't a viable option---or part of His plan.

Even though we're in jeopardy of losing our home (again), and all of the circumstances of not being able to find the viable part-time employment I need to keep our home; I also know that we are nearly 1000 miles from the attacker who took so much from us in NJ. We don't look over our shoulders or wonder if this is the day when he'll catch up to us anymore. We look at our new home state with a sense of wonder, and explore each part of it with an awe and appreciation of a new life that was hard-earned. I also know that for four and a half years, I remained homeless there---unable to overcome my circumstances and stand on my own. Well, shaky as I may be; I'm still standing, and I'll be darned if I'm going to take steps backward to a life that I've already lived. I'm determined to do all that I can to live forward---and fearless (well, as fearless as I can be; it's still a work in progress ;-)

We all feel fear. It's a part of life... Some of us experience it more intensely that others, and some handle it better than others. If we let fear get the best of us, then we can't possibly embrace all that God has in store for us. Feeling fear is okay....reacting to it what disables us and prevents us from experiencing God's best for us.

Fear causes us to flee (from our dreams, from our heart's desires....from God). Courage is having the ability to feel fear and continue on despite it. I learned this as a professional athlete. I learned to push past fear and kept my eye on the prize of victory. The stakes are so much higher these days, and the prize is God's grace and plan for my life. So much to live for, strive for, and be strong for. Somewhere in the dizzying world of cognitive dysfunction, I'd forgotten that; and when I was at my weakest and most vulnerable, the enemy got into my thoughts and told me that it was time for me to give up. And I did.

I've given up the idea of forsaking all that I've worked and prayed for so hard. I've given up the fear and given it to God to bear for me. I've given myself permission to let go and let God and look forward with great expectation to see what wonderful things He is working on for our future...and I've given the enemy a good ole' swift kick in the safety deposit box and ground his plans to defeat me into the dust with the proclamation of God's word!

I'm here. Broken but not shattered. I'm bruised, but not beaten. I'm standing a bit shaky, but steadied by the hand of God that catches me when I fall. I for one can't wait to see what He's got up His sleeve---how bout you??

~Kimberly

Stripping It Bare in 2011!

2011-01-04T18:06:00.000-06:00

Hello, all!

So I've been spending the last few days rewriting my "one sheet," (a speaker one sheet is a professional speaker's marketing tool that captures experience, testimonials, and background). I needed a new, updated one sheet, and head-shot photograph, (which I got, thanks to my little Smurf who took it for me ;-) Here, check it out:

Not bad for an 8 year-old photographer, right?! Of course, I'm biased...

Anyhooo, as I mentioned previously, I've been very busy putting together my new and improved marketing package for potential clients here in Tennessee, and I decided to share some of my motivational tips with y'all...the ones who have followed me on this amazing journey to TN, and continue to ride the wave of suspense with me to see what God has in mind for me next! I've decided to start steering this blog in the direction of providing my readers with some free words of wisdom that I've learned from the journey...it's my way of giving back and paying forward the kindness that has been bestowed upon myself and my little girl during this incredible ride.

This article is called, Stripping It Bare, and is about the very important lessons I learned through my homelessness---lessons that I now apply in my daily life, and plan to share with my new audiences. I pray that you enjoy it, and can Strip It Bare in 2011!

Let me know how you like it!! And if you do like it, please pass on this blog to someone who you may think might need a speaker (or some motivation for themselves) one day!

Stripping It Bare

My daughter and I became homeless due to abuse when she was three years old. Losing my home and the majority of my possessions was, at first, a very traumatic experience. But once I got past the shock and feelings of loss, I got to a very unexpected place: clarity. Being stripped bare of all my "stuff", all those things that I once found to be important, I gained a certain clarity in my life. I laugh at what I once thought I needed, knowing that those possessions were mere trappings of a cluttered existence.

We as humans, have a thing about "stuff". Think about everything that you have...in your car, your basement, attic, storage facility, office, bedroom closet; how much of this "stuff" do you really need? Be honest. Most of your stuff is collected and hung onto with the small possibility that it may one day be needed. Why do we do this to ourselves, when inevitably, it only complicates our lives? We end up going out to get bigger boxes, build bigger closets, get a bigger storage space, or even move into a bigger house to accommodate all this "stuff."

I think our stuff is sort of like a security blanket that we hold onto to get through life. We feel a need to surround ourselves with stuff to validate.....well, I haven't figured that part out yet, but in any case, I think if we are brave enough to confront our challenges without the security of what we've always known and open ourselves to the possibilities of the unknown great opportunities present themselves; in places that were well hidden with, yup, you guessed it---stuff.

I sustained a traumatic brain injury in 1998. I learned very quickly that clutter is a brain-injured person's worst enemy! It clogs up what limited focus you have, overwhelms you with the inability to see past it, and distracts us from our original goals. When I lost all the extra clothes that I knew I'd never wear, but hung onto anyway, thinking there would come a day where I might wear them, I felt a sense of lightening. I had boxes of stuff stored from the house I lived in before my accident, sure that I would have use for it "someday." I still don't know what was in those boxes! Nick knacks that once cluttered my shelves, begging for dusting and rotation for the seasons no longer had power over me. All at once, I was free!

Knowing that I could not only make do, but do very well without all that extra "stuff" gave me a sense of empowerment. I started seeing possibilities that the blinders of my trappings had blocked out before. I didn't have to work so hard to take stock in my surroundings, cause there was less "stuff" to process.

I realized that living clutter-free in a literal sense cleared up the feelings of being overwhelmed and distracted. I got to thinking that if only I could clear up my mind as my circumstances had cleared up my physical trappings, that I'd find great possibilities there. I was right, and because I applied the stripping bare strategies to my thinking mind; I created new and exciting opportunities for myself using this new perspective.

When we are stripped bare of the things in life that we often feel are the most important, it is then that we realize we've been focusing on the wrong things the whole time. This misguided focus is often the reason we hit roadblocks that impede our path to success that seem to hinder us no matter which direction we take.

What we view as important and necessary throughout our lives, becomes so insignificant when we are stripped bare. While I don't recommend becoming homeless or literally getting rid of all your stuff, I do recommend that you make a conscious effort to get rid of all the clutter in your mind; the false beliefs that exist that convince you that you have to do things a certain way, or that you've only known certain paths to be available, and there must not be any others.

After the accident that left me with permanent disabilities back in 1998, I had to relearn a new way of doing things. Was it hard? You bet it was! There were days I wanted to hide in bed to avoid the grueling rehab that I knew awaited for me. But I also knew that I had a very limited time for my injured brain to be retrained, and so I endured. I had to learn new ways to overcome my new challenges.

Living with a traumatic brain injury is different. Difficult sometimes, but more different than anything. I don't have running movies in my head of memories or thought processes the way I once did. I have no conception of time, either. Where I once automatically retrieved time-related memories with ease, I now have to think about those memories in a different way to manually retrieve them. I have to ask myself questions such as, "Was I wearing long sleeves, or short sleeves? Were the leaves green or turning colors? What did the air smell like?" I depend on the rest of my senses to fill in the blanks where my injured brain leaves off.

Memorizing differently was for me, seeking out a new path that led me to my own personal success. When the way that most people do things didn't work for my injured brain, I had to readjust and head down a different path to get me to the same destination. Sometimes that path was longer, and sometimes there were some obstacles to overcome on this new path; but I found that by doing things differently, I was blessed with challenges that enabled me to see things I'd never noticed before. Using my other senses heightened my awareness. This new awareness brought new thought processes, and these thought processes brought me to discovering new methodology that I was able to successfully apply to all challenges that confronted me.

Today, my daughter and I are enjoying a new life and home in Tennessee. We endured four and a half years of homelessness before we were able to overcome our situation. With God's grace and a never-give-up attitude, we were able to create what we envisioned.

Did you get that? We "created" what we envisioned by following God's plan for our lives and not giving up---no matter how tough things got. So to you, I say; Clear your own path! Make your own way! Create new and innovative roads to success using what you have. Strip bare what you think you know and look for new possibilities born out of a different methodology.

For some, road blocks exist in others telling them, "there is only one way to do things", or that "So and so didn't do it like that, so you can't either", or my personal favorite when asking someone why something is done that way, "Well, that's just the way it's always been done; you have to do it that way." Baloney! I'm here to tell you that if I listened to all that garbage, I never would have made it to the level of competition that I did when I was a professional equestrian, and there would be no Canine and Abled, Inc. either. (I was told that such a program could not be built by a person with disabilities with no prior experience ;-)

Challenge yourself to throw out all the old preconceived notions that clutter your mind; strip it bare. Don't be afraid to follow your instincts and have faith in your own abilities; regardless of what others say. You are in the driver's seat of your life...don't ever let anyone else reach over to to take the wheel. Forget what you know and try to use that insight to see viable opportunities that exist, but can't been seen but for the clutter.

When we use this new vision to pick up things that flew below the radar in the past, we can effectively combat stress, enhance productiveness, and produce new and innovative solutions to whatever life, or the business world throws out way.

This new perception leaves us open to explore the road to success, secure in the knowledge that we have the ability to pave our own way, and steer clear of inevitable hazards that will come to pass. We focus on confronting challenges head-on and learn from them in order to embrace the journey that we have primed for triumph!

I wish you well on your journey. Let life strip you bare. Keep focused on the prize, but don't be so rigid that you miss an opportunity to take the long way once in a while.

--Kimberly Carnevale
Copyright 2007 by Sarah Lynn Communications, L.L.C All Rights Reserved

Bidding farewell to 2010---Happy New Year!!!

2010-12-31T18:26:00.001-06:00

Hello, everyone! Happy (almost) New Year!

I hope everyone who is ringing in the New Year and is, uh...indulging.... has a designated driver who isn't! I don't venture out on the roads on New Years---scares me that so many are drinking/driving, and I couldn't even begine to imagine not spending New Years Eve with my favorite party animal, my Smurf ;-)

Smurf and I have a New Year's tradition of getting in our jammies, watching movies, and munching our way through to the New Year! The turkey's in the oven as we speak, and I'm about to get out all the fixin's for a munchin-good time!!

We had a great day together today on this last day of 2010, with temps in the high 60's here today. After a successful 2nd appointment with a beautiful little Sheltie, Bella, we got out to visit the Mavster. We loved on him, brushed him all up and stuffed him with cookies---after all, we won't see him till next year now! The dogs got to run around and just "be dogs" for a while, and we all were lovin the warm New Years eve weather ;-)

We're very much looking forward to a blessed New Year in 2011. The past few years have been very rough on us, and we pray that we're due for some prosperity this year! We're very excited to see what God has planned for us in the coming year in our new home in Tennessee. I pray that we can extend our ministry's outreach to make a difference in more lives through our programs.

Well, the turkey is smelling done (and wonderful!!), and my tummy is calling me to the kitchen! Hope your New Year is everything you dream it will be---and more! May all of you have a healthy, happy and blessed 2011!

~Kimberly, Sarah and the fur kids, Gracie, Nadja and Dawson

Winter wonderland in Nashville, Tennessee!

2010-12-12T23:59:00.000-06:00

Hello, all!

Wow, can't believe it's been so long since I've posted...my apologies! I've been very busy (in a good way!) and am very pleased to be making lots of new business/social contacts who are keeping me very busy!

This past week, I attended a nonprofit conference in Nashville, and boy did I learn a LOT! I can't wait to implement the knowledge that I attained over the course of the conference, and am looking forward to keeping in touch with the new and wonderful business contacts I met there as well.

I was asked if I would be available to speak at a few functions, so I hope they pan out and come through. Two of them were speaking for prison ministries. We didn't have those in NJ, but they're quite large down here, and I was surprised to feel a tug at my heart when approached with the offer. I'm confident that I could be helpful in sharing God's amazing grace to those folks, and very much look forward to the opportunity to allow Him to work through me in this way.

Want to hear a great God-thing story??!! I was on my way out of the conference hotel and decided to let Nadja run in the field outside for a few minutes before we got in the van to head back home. The hotel manager came out to tell me that I needed to have a leash on my dog. I apologized and explained that I was just letting Nadja blow off some steam after a long couple of days when he saw her vest in my hand. He said, "Oh, she was the working dog that's been in here for the past couple of days? Then that's a different story...you obviously have her under control. I was so impressed with how well behaved and well trained she was!" We started chatting about dogs and he asked me what I used Nadja for.

When I explained that I had a traumatic brain injury and how Nadja assisted me, he was obviously moved. He said, "My wife was the director of the Traumatic Brain Injury Association of America!" We were both totally convinced that God brought us together, and went to my van to get my contact/program information so that she could email me to set up a time to meet.

I have a window etching of a Paint horse on the side of my van and lettering that says, "Horses leave hoof prints on your heart." He saw that and started shaking his head and said, "Okay know I KNOW this is a God thing----guess what my wife's family does for a living?? They raise and train Quarter horses!"

Obviously, this was a match made in Heaven, and we're very much looking forward to setting up a time to go visit them and chat in their home ;-) I just love how God does things!!!

It took about two days to recover cognitively/physically from the conference, and I'm back to feeling like myself again. I'll be busy this week organizing the information I've learned, meeting (by phone) with my board back in NJ, and reaching out to my new contacts made from the conference this week. Very much looking forward to see what God has in store!!

***********************************************
So, everyone told me, "It doesn't snow in Tennessee." They lied. I have proof!!

This was the high for today

The dogs and Smurf LOVED the snow (I found myself enjoying it quite a bit myself! ;-)

From our patio

Nadja especially loves fetch in the snow!

Little fur people don't fair quite as well in deeper snow... it took four layers to keep her fairly warm and dry

But enough was enough, and it was time to head back inside for snuggle-time!

The roads here are absolutely horrible in winter weather. They don't treat the majority of their roads, and so when ice hits, there's no help for it....people just either take their chances, or stay home. It was 45 degrees and rained hard here yesterday. Last night, it dipped down to 15 degrees and everything froze solid. Then the snow came. A light, powdery snowfall blanketed the ice and made for absolute treachorous going on all the roads.

Smurf and I were invited to a Christmas party about 10 minutes from our home today. At about 5, a partygoer who had just left phoned to warn everyone that the roads leading from the hosts' home were getting nearly impassable. We all headed out immediately. My van got sideways on me twice--and I was only going 10 mph! It was very hilly and icy--not a good combination. We were very thankful that God watched over us and got us home safely.

There's more stuff to share with you about our latest happenings, but I'm going to post that later. Its getting late and I think I'm going to get under the covers and enjoy my nice, cozy bed (surrounded by three fur-kids, of course!). Smurf's got off from school (snow day) tomorrow, so we're going to enjoy sleeping in with no where to go tomorrow.

Chat at you soon!

~Kimberly

Getting in the holiday spirit here in TN!

2010-11-29T21:40:00.002-06:00

Hello, all!

We hope that you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday weekend! Smurf, the dogs, and I enjoyed a nice, quiet Thanksgiving dinner here at the apartment. I had picked up a turkey breast, and prepared all the traditional side dishes---just on a smaller scale. It was wonderful just relaxing the entire day with no place to go, nothing to do except enjoy one another's company and delicious food! ;-)

The only bummer about the day was that my sore tooth (I have a broken tooth that needs to be extracted and has been bothering me for many years now) decided to act up BIG TIME on Thanksgiving day evening. By Friday the pain was excruciating, and I knew I needed help. After phoning every dentist and clinic in town and every one of them being closed, I was forced to head over to the ER at the hospital.

After a several-hour wait, they gave me some antibiotics for the infection and some meds for pain and sent me on my way. The pain meds were not helpful at all; in fact, they made me feel sick, so I only took half of one of them and went back to my Tylenol PM, which was very helpful in letting me get rest. That evening, I decided to swoosh some warm, salt water around in my mouth to see if it would help ease the discomfort. Immediately, I felt something dislodge from deep inside the tooth, and felt 100% better!! I continued the salt water rinses the entire next day and evening, and I'm right as rain again. I definitely need to have the tooth attended to, but in the interest of my dwindling bank account, I'm trying to wait it out until I have insurance here.

The next day was Saturday, and we couldn't wait to take advantage of the beautiful, sunny day to go visit Maverick. As usual, he was very happy to see us and readily left his pasture-mates to follow us into the barn where we loved on him, groomed him and stuffed him with his own Thanksgiving feast of horse cookies! I saddled him for the Smurf and she had a great ride on him---she improves each time she rides him and I can hardly wait for show season this year---maybe, just maybe we'll give the Smurf a taste of her old Mom's former career (only no jumping!)....

Since my last post, I've been introduced to three of my new dog clients...and have had moderate success with all of them. Here at the complex, they're calling me the TN dog Whisperer for my work with the pulling, snarling Labrador from two buildings over ;-) I've only had one session with each of the clients, so I'm very anxious to keep them going in the right direction.

My body is definitely revolting against the additional physical activity of dog training---as was expected. I always feel lousy the day after I take on such an activity; which is why I leave a recovery day in between. In this way, I can accommodate my disabilities for the most part, and still be financially productive.

I've been feeling like business isn't rolling in as quickly as I want (and need) it to, and it has me quite stressed. As always when I get like this, I find the best cure is to pray, do what I CAN do to change the situation, and then focus on helping someone else until things work out.

I got in touch with my contact here at the Animal Alliance in our town and offered to volunteer my training services to the local shelter to help "un-adoptable" dogs find new homes by solving behavioral issues and learning new manners that will hopefully impress potential new families. They were thrilled at the offer, and jumped at it immediately. I'd already planned a meeting with one of the board members on Wed., and he said he'd take me over to the facility right after our meeting so that I can meet the shelter staff and some of my new "students." I can't wait to get started. ;-) I've always found the best way to help yourself is to reach out and help others---and I long to use the gift that God has given me to help these dogs find new, permanent homes.

I don't know if I mentioned it before or not, but I was invited by one of my business contacts in Texas to attend a nonprofit management conference on a full scholarship. The conference is next week, and I'm very much looking forward to learning all I can to help grow our organization, and hopefully network with some folks who might be able/willing to give us a shove in the right direction. Nadja and I plan to do whatever we can to get our organization's name/mission out there---Please pray for a successful mission!!

Yesterday, the maintenance man from our complex came knocking at our door to tell me that a neighbor was getting rid of some furniture, and to come over to see if there was anything we could use. The man who owned the furniture was forced to go into a nursing home, and his daughter was clearing out his stuff. There was a beautiful entertainment center (which she insisted that we take), as well as a beautiful computer armoire, a dresser, and bedside table as well.

The daughter is a professional photographer, and she emailed me last night, offering to do a portrait of Sarah (free of charge!) for the holidays!! I'm so grateful that we're blessed to have such wonderful, giving people coming into our lives---it's almost like God is sending us messengers to enable us to feel His love in this new place.

Tennessee is in full-time holiday swing and decor; and I'm definitely feeling the spirit! Smurf and I are extremely limited on funds though, and so we're doing Christmas on a very tight budget. I've been looking at second-hand stores, and watching the store circulars to find ourselves a non-budget-busting, artificial Christmas tree. I found out that Rite Aid had pre-lit, small trees on sale for $19.99 last weekend. We picked up one of those, and headed to Goodwill, where we were able to purchase several bags of decorations for under $10.00. Our pathetic-looking, "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree" began to really come to life ;-)

The best part of the decorations we found at Goodwill is that one of the bags had a bunch of dog/horse ornaments! That made our little, Charlie Brown tree all the more special (and beautiful) to us---and we decorated it and embraced it with much love ;-)

We feel so positively blessed to be in a real home of our own this year...and our little Christmas tree holds the place of honor where we'll celebrate the birth of Jesus together, at "home."

I'm looking forward to spending our first Christmas in TN, but am missing my friends from back in NJ something fierce right now. Starting a new life is exciting and filled with lots of surprises; but leaving people you care about behind never gets easier. We keep each and every loved one in our hearts, and pray that they know how much they've impacted our lives, and how much we love them.

Well, I'm sure that there was more I wanted to share, but I'm cognitively spent at the moment, so I'm going to wrap it up and bid farewell for now.

Chat at you soon!

~Kimberly

Settling in... and some great news!

2010-11-21T21:29:00.005-06:00

Hello, everyone! Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I began to get overwhelmed with all the details of our move, getting Smurffel settled into her new school routine, and the dogs into their new apartment routine. Then, I was welcomed to TN by the bug that's been going around rampant everywhere down here, and haven't been able to keep my fever down. I have to be really, super careful when I get sick like this not to push and overdo (as I am prone to do), because it sets off my multiple sclerosis. I've been trying really hard to be good, even though there are a million details that need my attention right now.

Despite not feeling well, I'm absolutely loving Tennessee...and the more we see of it, the more excited and blessed we feel to be living here. The past few days have been in the 70's and we're absolutely loving the short-sleeve weather and plentiful sunshine in mid-Novermber!

Well, God is certainly hard at work, moving mountains in our lives! His blessings are beginning to pour down on us, and we are just so humbled and amazed at His perfect timing and providence.

As of this moment, I have four dogs scheduled to be trained here in TN ;-) I start on my first one tomorrow evening, and am very much looking forward to getting back to work, helping owners understand their canine companions a bit better!

This particular dog is important to me, because his owner is just recoving from a stroke, and the dog is dragging him all over on the leash, and lunges dangerously when cars and the complex's golf cart go by. Fixing a dog like this is more important to me than I can say; I can totally relate to being in such a situation when you can't trust your body to do what you need it to do.

Unfortunately, this man can't afford to pay my training fee, so I told him that I'd make him a deal. I said, "you pay me what you are comfortable paying me whenever you can pay me...and when people ask about your new and improved dog, you tell them who trained him for you." ;-) I really, really need paying clients, and I know I can't afford to keeping doing this; but something just really moved me about this man, and his special relationship with his beloved dog. I'm just very thankful that I am in a position to help.

It hasn't always been like that for me. After my accident, I felt useless to everyone. I felt as though I didn't have anything to give anyone, yet always needed help from others. God enabled my gift with dogs to blossom through my disabilities, and gave me the opportunity to help others (people and dogs) through that gift. He has taught me through this journey that when we reach out to help others, it enables Him to bring even more blessings into our own lives. I live my life to pay it forward these days, and it has always served me well. I will keep you posted on the dogs' progress!

We met up with some friends in Franklin, TN this Saturday. Patricia is involved in mass marketing, and has been a huge fan of Canine and Abled, Inc., for quite sometime. We've "known" each other online for quite a while, looking forward to being able to meet in person at last. Her friend, Tony hosts a show about unsolved mysteries (he's got some amazing stories!), so we had lots of great lunch conversation!

Here's the really cool part---Patricia has offered to become our project manager and booking agent! With my cognition issues, limited memory, and brand-newness to the area; this offer is an absolute Godsend! We're currently putting together a photo/video portfolio and Patricia's already planning some promotional video shooting/ meet & greet appearances in and around Franklin, TN. SO exciting, and I can't wait to get started!!

Patricia also runs a local cable TV show, and is going to feature us on her, "Health and Wellness" program. We're really excited about the upcoming exposure, as this is what launched C&A to the masses on the Eastern seaboard; and is exactly what is needed to introduce us to our new Tennessee neighbors. We are so thankful for God's grace and perfect timing bringing Patricia and Tony into our lives at this very moment when we needed it!

We finished up our meeting taking a walk around the town square with the dogs, having them meet passerby and show off some of their talents. Patricia was so excited by the enthusiasm in which the dogs' appearance brought to the street---she was more convinced than ever that we would become a bit hit very soon in TN! ;-)

We came home to our apartment and snuggled in early for a good night's sleep. For as much fun as the meeting was, it took a whole lot of me, and that nagging fever came back with avengence to prove it.
I woke up feeling really exhausted from yesterday's visit, and after making/cleaning up breakfast, decided to go back to bed for a while. Smurf was very gracious, sitting watching a movie patiently next to me while I slept for about an hour and half. I soooo needed that!!

After I got up, we decided to take a ride over to the stables to visit the Mavster. It's been a week since we last saw him, and I didn't want him to think we dumped him there and forgot about him! With Sarah starting school this week, finishing up on all the moving details, and then getting sick; we just didn't get the opportunity to go visit him, and I was feeling really bad about that. No matter how yucky I felt, I was going to go give my "baby boy" some cookies, a good brushing, and let him know we still love him!

He was so happy to see us! As soon as he heard our voices, he lifted his head from grazing, whinnied loudly and trotted happily over to us. If that doesn't make your heart jump, nothing will! (Yeah, I knew he was after the never-ending cookie supply in my pocket, but it still made me feel loved ;-)

Many of my friends have been asking me to post pictures of Maverick's new home, and I kept forgetting my camera (yeah, me...without my camera!). SO I remembered today---here they are:

The front gate

The barn and round pen

Maverick and one of his new buddies in their pasture

The other side of Mavvy's pasture

In the barn getting groomed and loved on

We brushed him, loved on him, and gave him lots of cookies then returned him to his pasture to hang with his new buddies (I was NOT up to riding today, which should give you some idea of how yucky I felt!). Before we left, I let the dogs out to run and play and run and play they did!! They had such a blast! It did my heart good watching Smurf and the pups running and playing in the fresh TN air and sunshine without a care in the world!

Of course, Nadja finds a stick everywhere she goes---and Dawson is there in the background, busy marking every tree he can find! "Where was Gracie," you might ask?

Lol...we caught glimpses of her zooming, here, there and everywhere! The little fur person had an absolute BLAST running as fast as those little legs could carry her!!

Zoom!

Tired doggies are always GOOD doggies!!

The farm owner's brother showed up right as we were leaving. Sarah was admiring his shiny motorcycle and he asked her if she wanted to go for a ride! He looked at me for permission and assured me that he would only go up the driveway to the house and back; and would go very slow. After strapping on a brain bucket, I agreed and away she went! She had so much fun! I was raised on dirt bikes and motorcycles, so I can totally relate to the feeling she had today ;-)

For as much fun as we were having at the farm, my body screamed at me that it was definately time to go. We stopped at Walmart for a few needed groceries for the upcoming week, and headed back to our apartment. OH! And here's yet another thing I love about living in Tennessee..... when we come straight from the barn to the grocery store in jeans, shirts slimed with horse slobber, and cowgirl boots; we don't stick out like sore thumbs! They totally "get" us here! ;-) My kinda place!!!

Well, that's about it on this end for now. Will post again soon and let you know how things are going!

~Kimberly

Got some equine therapy---Tennessee style today!

2010-11-14T22:29:00.001-06:00

Hello, all ;-)

Well, Smurf and I got to sleep in today. I slept till 8:30....she slept until 11am! She really, really needed it. Once she got up, we got dressed, had breakfast and headed to the stables to visit Maverick. He was very happy to see us and came trotting up, whinnying just as soon as we called him (he's such a suck-up! He knows that acting cute like that gets him all the cookies!)

The barn manager offered to let us use a saddle and bridle (ours is still in NJ), so we were thrilled to be able to ride Maverick on Tennessee soil for the first time ;-) I got on him first to settle him and get him tired for Smurffel, then she took over the reins and she had a great lesson--she even impressed the barn manager with her riding prowess--that's my cowgirl!

After we got done riding, we gave the Mavster a nice, warm bubble bath and took him out to graze to dry in the sun. Once he was dry, we introduced him to his new pasture and the other horses he'll be living with from here on out (he stayed in a field by himself last night just to get the "lay of the land"). There was one horse who bullied up on him but good; but Maverick wasn't about to be pushed over--he pushed back--hard. After a few nerve-wracking kicks, squeals, and stomps; they had it all worked out, and they ended up being buddies. ;-) I felt real good mentally and physically after leaving there today---it is true what they say---the outside of a horse is good for a person!!

After we put Maverick away, we let the dogs run around for a while---Sarah decided to take up the run with them---it was so awesome to see them running and playing together. Of course, I forgot my camera today (kicking myself over that one!) so I'll have to remember to take it there with us next visit.

Once we got back into Hendersonville, we had to run errands looking for inexpensive furniture (especially breakfast bar stools so we could actually eat normal again!). At Goodwill, we found some good bargains on clothes (.99 sale!), a $10. TV (yes, it works!), and some extra plates/bowls (we only had two plates from the RV, and soon found that wasn't enough). We stopped at K-Mart and found two bar stools that were exactly what I was looking for, at a price that was much less than I expected to pay. We now have a normal eating area at our breakfast bar ;-)

We were very surprised and delighted by our first visitors this evening! My friend, Kelly (whom I've known for sometime from Facebook, and recently met in Nashville), and her friend, David (both brain injury survivors) stopped by to see the new place and we had a nice chat while they were here. Felt so bad that I didn't have any place for them to sit, though---next time, hopefully!

Well, tomorrow's a very big day---Smurf starts school here in TN tomorrow! We're both experiencing excitement and trepidation about it. She's worried about the other kids not liking her, or that she might suddenly get shy (yeah, my child shy---that's a good one!), and all the things that a young girl would worry about. I'm concerned for totally different reasons. She's been struggling with anxiety and nervousness for the past few days (totally unlike her), and I'm concerned that she'll melt down when its time to say good-bye to me. This is worse than her first day of Kindergarten, because back then, she was stable and secure. Right now, she's so unsteady on her feet and having a hard time adjusting--I pray that she'll meet some friends right away and start to settle in with the routine of school. Please pray for her tomorrow...and for me to be strong when the tears start. :-(

That's about it on this end for now. I have a ton of laundry to get done while Smurf's at school tomorrow, more mail to be sent out (letters to schools inviting them to book C&A), and correspondence to get back to. Hopefully, the routine will be good for all of us---I'm sure it will.

Well, heading to bed here in just a little bit. Talk at you soon.

~Kimberly

Some new apartment pictures (don't look at the mess!)

2010-11-13T21:41:00.000-06:00

Hello, all!

Today (as all days since we got here), was a very busy day. I got up early this morning, took the dogs for a walk (our apartment faces a beautiful lawn and woods with a nice, large grassy area so I can be right out front and know that Smurf is safe and sound inside while I take them out). I made myself a nice, hot cup of tea and reveled in comfort!! I love the quiet of early morning when no one else is up yet---and enjoyed that special quiet time with my fur kids :-)

Before Sarah got up, I unpacked the rest of the boxes we brought in last night, then made breakfast for us. Once we got cleaned up and changed, we headed over to meet the manager of Maverick's new stable. We went and got him moved and settled into his new digs--which he appeared to like very much. He cozied up to his new equine neighbors real quick and even pranced/danced around his new field with his tail and head held high! He was quite the sight to behold, my beautiful "baby" boy. The manager of the farm instantly fell in love with him and asked him if he could ride him tomorrow---he can't wait to try him out. :-)

After we left Mav, we went back to get the last load out of the Butterfly. I didn't realize there was still so much left in there!! Smurf and I worked really hard at hauling all the boxes back into our apartment, and were so grateful when we were finished.

I made dinner (which we enjoyed on our makeshift dinette set :-)

I'm too exhausted to unpack the remaining boxes tonight. Tomorrow's another day. We NEED to do laundry and do some straightening up around here in the morning, but plan to spend the afternoon with the Mavster ;-) Another great thing about this stable is that its really far back off the road, and the dogs are very welcome there. They can run around and play till their heart's are content! I got such joy out of watching them romp free and play together today ;-) I'll get photos of Mav in his new place tomorrow.

For now, I'm going to post some apartment pics, as has been requested by several of my peeps back home (you just have to promise to ignore the unpacked mess before looking at them!)

I finally have a place to hang my leashes!

What will soon be the breakfast bar--looking into the kitchen

The kitchen

The other side of the kitchen---lovin having the dishwasher (they don't make those for RV's...so Smurf was in charge of washing the dishes---she's thrilled about the dishwasher, too)!!

We left our beds in NJ, so we took our mattresses out of the RV. Smurf is being given a bunk bed from a new friend she met at the park the other day!! People are so nice and helpful down here!

I love my RV mattress so much, that I'm going to continue to use it here in the apartment---just need to find a box spring or other type of base for it.

Notice how comfy Smurffel is in her bed....

OH, and take note of how comfy the little fur person, Gracie, is in MY bed ;-)

Our wonderful walk in closet ;-)

Bathroom

Nadja seeing what she can help with ;-)

Dawson looking to see what he can get into!

Obviously, we still have a lot of unpacking to do, and furniture to get---one step at a time. Truth be known, I'm thrilled to have running water, heat, A/C, and a bed to sleep in!! It's the little things that truly do mean the most!

Till later---

~Kimberly

I guess we're back...by popular demand

2010-11-13T00:24:00.000-06:00

Wow, I was so surprised by the outpouring of dismay that I was ending my blog, and requests to keep it going to chronicle the building of our new lives here in Tennessee. So, I guess we're back by popular demand! I may have to change the header to reflect the end of one journey and the start of a new one....have to think about that one. In any case, many thanks for making me feel worthy enough to check in on our blog once and a while!

Guess what?! We moved into our new apartment this afternoon! Smurf, the dogs and I are really loving our new home. We were really sad to unpack the Butterfly Express, and had a difficult time locking the door to an empty RV, but have plans to travel to dog events with her in the spring/summer if she doesn't sell. Hopefully, we'll get some Canine and Abled programs booked here really soon so that doesn't have to happen. I still have her on the market, though, and if we get a good offer before programs start taking off, I'm going to have to take it...but we're not thinking about that right now...just praying really hard!

It didn't seem as though our move was going to be possible as of this morning. The night before last, I accidentally fell asleep before taking my contact lenses out. Yesterday, I started experiencing some light sensitivity and eye irritation, so I kept my lenses out and wore my glasses instead. This morning, the sensitivity was intense, both eyes were burning. I had to pry my right eye open from sticky goo and had painful, stabbing pain in that eye. My friend, Cathy took me to the eye doctor in town right away. Turns out, I got dust/debris under my contact lenses the other day,when it was blustery and dusty; and it created an ulceration that continued to get worse (even though my lenses had been removed) and both eyes are now infected. The scratch on my right eye went through the cornea and into deeper layers (NOT good), and the surface of my cornea on my left eye is scratched up pretty bad. The doctor said it was a really good thing I came in today, as this is a very serious issue that can cause permanent blindness without quick, aggressive treatment. Needless to say, driving in today's bright sunshine was a monumental challenge. Light caused my eyes to squeeze shut, so I had to wear three pairs of sunglasses to get us down to the apartment, but I was determined; and now here we are spending our first night at our official Tennessee address!

We had to go out to get some new supplies for the apartment and with the help of my GPS, found even more shopping centers than I knew to be here---we're really loving Hendersonville, TN!!! We came out of Petco, and to our delight, found a mounted policewoman standing sentinel out front! I got a photo of Sarah with them, and will post it tomorrow when I get a chance.

I've been chatting to everyone I meet about our dog programs, letting the presence of the dogs start conversations. I give business cards to everyone we meet, and ask if they know of any clubs/organizations that may be interested in our services. Petco said they were definately interested, and the mounted officer gave me the name of her department's community affairs director to contact--she said they very well might be interested in having us attend a community event sometime. Praying that something starts to come through!

We're moving Maverick down to a stable closer to here tomorrow afternoon. He's going to be in a huge pasture, and his pasturemates are all Paints, too! He said he was very excited about that when I told him all about it :-)

Well, it's late, and I'm absolutely exhausted. Thanks again to all those who lobbied for the blog to continue--made me feel real special!

Talk at you soon,

~Kimberly

Last post

2010-11-10T21:20:00.000-06:00

The journey was awesome while it lasted. Thank you all for traveling along with me. God bless you all and all my best. I will miss you. I've gained lots of strength from knowing that I had a place to vent and keep in touch with everyone, but it's over. I'm done blogging.

Kimberly

Drastic times call for drastic measures; saying good-bye to the Butterfly Express :-(

2010-11-10T13:33:00.000-06:00

Hello, all.

Smurf, the dogs and I are settling in fairly well here in TN. As previously mentioned, we were able to secure an apartment last week, and we are very excited for Friday--our move in day---and having full utilities again!

Since we've been here, I've been pounding the pavement, trying to stir up dog training or secure speaking events, but as anyone in business knows; it takes time to get a business going in a new town. Time is not something I have on my side, unfortunately. With the plans for the Equine Ability program totally fallen through, I've had to scramble to make new employment/living arrangements. I.e., I only have a little bit of money left and need to make more asap!

With a heavy heart, I've decided to put the Butterfly Express on the market. I really can't see any other alternative at this point. Frankly, if I knew that I wasn't going to be able to live in it here in TN as planned, and would have to get an apartment; I never would have purchased it to begin with---I would now have a nice little nest egg that would sustain us until disability-accommodating employment rolled in. :-(

I'm sending out emails and letters everyday, reaching out to our new community, hoping that someone--somewhere will be in need of our services soon! I may be disabled, and unable to do many of the things I once did---but I still have many things I CAN do, and I want/need to equate that into a paying situation quickly.

I want/need to go apply for food stamps, etc...but I can't do any of that until I get my driver's license changed over; and I can't do any of that because all my paperwork is back in NJ---which I am unable to afford to go back to get as originally planned. I've asked for the help of friends back there to see if they might be able to send me the needed information so that we can get the assistance we desperately need.

We are in good spirits, despite our personal hardships and great need. Smurf celebrated her 8th birthday yesterday, and had a wonderful day---a testament to her grit and determination to look on the bright side as well ;-) She's looking forward to getting into her new school, and I am looking forward to the stability and friendship that she's got awaiting for her.

We are in need of prayers for financial blessings right now---and of any dog training and/or education/speaking opportunities in middle Tennessee!! Please put the word out if you are from this area, and your continued support/prayers for a quick, fair sale of Butterfly Express and/or employment opportunities for me, are very much appreciated.

Thank you!

Kimberly

Tennessee update

2010-11-06T22:49:00.000-05:00

Hello, all;

So sorry it's taken me so long to update my posts. When I tell you I've been tremendously overwhelmed and absolutely crazy busy, I kid you not.

Well, our arrival in Tennessee was met with some major issues---mainly our living arrangements. Unfortunately, we weren't able to set up the RV the way I'd planned, and had to scramble to find alternative living arrangements in a hurry.

I finally secured and finalized our application on a very nice apartment in Hendersonville, TN (about 20 minutes south of where we are now). We move in on Wednesday, and I'm looking forward to getting settled in and relax at long last.

My body revolted against all the stress, and activity of the past week; and when I started with all-over body tremors yesterday, I knew it was time for me to kick it down a notch and get some much-needed extra rest and recuperation.

I've been relying upon Nadja's assistance more and more each day; and she's coming through for me like a champ (as always!). I'm amazed at how well-received she is down here. Not only is she accepted as a service dog, she's being treated like a celebrity wherever she goes! Apparently, Tennessee is very service dog friendly---good to know! ;-)

With living arrangements figured out, I was able to pretty much relax and devote my afternoon to sending out emails to schools and civic organizations in the area to hopefully generate some bookings for Canine and Abled, Inc. Praying that our programs will be well-received down here!

We had our first frost down here this morning, and the entire day had a bite of cold to it. We're at a higher elevation here than we're used to, so on clear, cold nights the stars seem like they are soooo close, and appear to wrap around the horizon---really, really cool!

With frost means frozen water buckets---and RV lines if one is not careful! I spent the evening winterizing the RV, and preparing to shut 'er down for the wintertime. One of the perks of this particular apartment complex is they have RV parking on site, so I'll be able to keep a close eye on her and make sure that she stays safe and sound until springtime, when we'll pull 'er out for dog events and camping excursions.

Sarah is absolutely loving it here in Tennessee, and now that I am out of panic mode, I'm reminded of all the things I've loved about it over the years, too. We're starting to learn our way around, and love to explore and check things out from town to town. Very exciting ;-)

Well, I'm sure there are many more things I'm totally forgetting to post, but I'm running a pretty high fever again and need to go lie down and get some rest.

Hope all is well with everyone!

All my best,

Kimberly

The overwhelming panic of change has officially arrived :-(

2010-11-01T23:18:00.001-05:00

I knew it would come...but thought perhaps I would bypass the inevitable feeling of panic that overtakes me each time I experience a significant change in my life. Brain injury survivors do not do well with change. I know that. I know me. But I hoped I would be spared of this overwhelming panic in light of my accomplishing a huge goal and life-altering move.

Wrong.

While I'm greatful to have finally arrived in TN, and am thoroughly enjoying the time we're blessed to have with our dear friends, I'm finding myself utterly overwhelmed at the task of earning a living to support my little girl that lies before me.

The panic started earlier today when I learned that the part-time job I had hoped for once I got out here (that was to help sustain us until we are able to get our programs up and running) was a no-go. The panic continued in the fact that we haven't been able to get the RV hooked up to any utilities because of a few issues, and the dogs and ourselves have been a bit upended. I feel like I've let everybody down. Even though I had the best of intentions and what I thought were well-made plans, some of those plans have fallen through, and I'm spiraling without a safe place to land.

I have been out of sorts without a solid plan in place. I need plans. I need stability--and at the moment, my life has absolutely no stability in it at all---and I feel like I'm falling; fast and hard. Staying in the RV was a way to sooth the move..getting used to staying in a "new place" over the course of the vacation we took out here. The RV has become my haven over the course of the week. Not having the ability to do as we planned has thrown me for a loop.

I'm exhausted. I know this. I knwo this is where the feelings of panic and overwhelming anxiety are coming from. It doesn't stop the feelings knowing where they are coming from and why.

Our trip cost three times more than we budgeted for, and my van is running horribly. Knwoing there's no back up, part-time, disability-accomodating job has me really upset. I'm panicking that we won't get bookings in time (before what little money we have left runs out), or that I won't be able to find dogs to train...so many thoughts are spinning in my mind, and I can't find answers to any at the moment. Spinning, spinning, spinning. This is the reality of what happens when you push an injured brain :-(

Sorry for the vent, but if I didn't share what the dark side of living with a brain injury is like, then I wouldn't be fulfilling my desire to help bring awareness to the daily struggles facing survivors. Thanks for continuing on the journey with Brain Injury Riding Shotgun.

~Kimberly

Made it safely to Tennessee!

2010-11-01T10:42:00.001-05:00

Hello, all! So sorry I didn't get a chance to blog yesterday. It was such a blur, arriving in town, getting the RV unhitched and set up, settling the dogs, and then going out trick-or-treating with the little ones (and having an unexpected lock out!...more on that in a moment ;-)

We had the best and easiest drive of the entire trip yesterday down I-65 into Tennessee. It was flat, no wind, and very little traffic. Perfect conditions for the last leg of Butterfly Express' journey.

We rolled into Portland, TN around 1:00, and were met by our dear friend Niki just off the interstate. She guided us through the back roads to her Mom's farm, which was a short drive away. We got the RV parked, leveled, and unhitched; then went into town to pick up some supplies and take the kids trick-or-treating. We had a great time, and got in just enough houses when they started to turn off their porch lights for the evening. I was so grateful that Sarah was able to get in some trick-or-treating; it made her first day in TN a special one :-)

We had a wonderful time, but it was getting late, and the temperature was starting to drop. On our way back to her truck, Niki realized that she didn't have her keys---they were locked inside her truck! We ended up having to call AAA, and fortunately they dispatched a driver fairly quickly and got the doors open We were on our way back to the farm with two tired, but happy kiddos ;-)

By the time we got back to the farm, Niki's mom, Cathy had gotten home from work. She watched the little one for us while Niki went out into the barn to take care of the horses, and I took my pups for their last walk of the evening. It was so nice to smell the familiar barn smells once again.

It was really late by the time we got finished, and I was exhausted so I didn't feel up to posting. Maverick arrived by tractor trailer at 7:30 am. Mav has been my therapy horse for several years now. I started riding him when I was still in my wheelchair. He is a much-loved, trusted friend, and having him here has made this seem even more like "home." ;-)

I almost forgot to mention a really important happening! Anyone who knows Smurf, knows just how badly she's wanted a cat. Well, Cathy has four cats here at the farm, and told Sarah she could have her pick. There was a beautiful grey female cat that actually chose her! This cat (whom she's named, Hara), is as smitten with Smurf as she is with her---I think the majority of Smurf's time has been spent out on the front porch with Hara! The child is over the moon with her!! I'm just so pleased that she's having an easy time adjusting.

Niki and Cathy have plans for the day, so I plan to head over to Sarah's school and check in with them, letting them know about our return trip to NJ, and delay in her attendance. Hopefully, they'll be able to give me some school work to do on the road with her, like I did on the way out here. After that, I'd love to take a drive around and just "get the lay of the land" and look around a bit. I do have to find some time to rest here soon. The rigors of the trip are really starting to wear on me, and I'm feeling weak again. Nothing a good night's sleep shouldn't take care of, I hope!

As soon as I find out the status of Sarah's school enrollment, and make car reservations; Smurf, Nadja and I will head back to NJ to pick up the rest of our stuff. I will continue to blog our travels during that trip as well. I'm sure I'll have different stories to tell about what it's like travelling with a service dog! (I could write a book about the issues I've had thus far---things that would make your head spin!).

Well, I need to get moving on with my day. Catch up with you soon!

~Kimberly

Spending the night in Louisville, KY. One last, two-hour leg of trip left to go!

2010-10-30T19:10:00.001-05:00

Well, we set out of Columbus, Ohio around 11:30am. My gps decided to take me through the scenic route to get to the interstate! We wound through 12 miles of back country roads and got an eye-full of Ohio's beautiful farmland. I was very grateful that the back roads didn't contain low overpasses or tiny bridges!

After we got onto the interstate, it was moderately difficult driving due to continued high winds. My air shocks didn't have enough pressure in them to help me out, either; so we stopped at the first truck stop to pump them up.

We pulled into another truck stop to make sandwiches and have a quick lunch in the RV. We let the dogs out and off on the road we went again! All was pretty steady (yet fairly slow) going, as we encountered lots of hills that we couldn't maintain speed up or down because of gusty conditions that blew Butterfly around constantly.

I was very grateful to get on to Interstate 65---the road that leads to our final destination, and our new home in Tennessee! We were met with a half hour of bumper to bumper, nearly stopped traffic as soon as we merged onto the highway! It eventually cleared (still don't know why it was backed up), and once it did, we only had to travel another 9 miles to our current destination of a cozy, little RV park where we've settled in for the night.

Tomorrow, we'll get on the road as soon as we have breakfast and walk the dogs. We stayed hitched up, so there won't be as much to do before being able to set out. Just unhook the utilities, pull up the jacks, and secure everything in the RV. ;-)

As much as I've enjoyed this leg of our journey, I have to say, I'm glad to see the end in sight. I've really pushed myself to my limit, and I think I've pushed my van's limit as well. I would NOT take it back to New Jersey again, that's for sure!

We're both very much looking forward to seeing Cathy and Niki in Tennessee. It's been several years since we've seen each other, and though we've always kept in touch, it will be wonderful to be able to see them and spend time with them again!

I got word from the horse shipping company that Maverick (our therapy horse) will be picked up in NJ on Sunday for his trip down here. He will arrive on Monday afternoon---can't wait!! While he recovers from his journey; Smurf, Nadja and I will continue ours (sans the Butterfly Express), and head back to New Jersey in a rental car. I'm looking to make much better time/mileage on that trip, for sure!

Well, I've got three doggies waiting to be walked, and dishes to be washed/put away. If I have enough energy later on, I'll post the pics of the zoo from the other day, as promised.

--See you on the road!

~Kimberly

Heading out to KY in the am---rested and ready to roll!

2010-10-29T19:55:00.001-05:00

Well, the van's been looked over and fixed, and we're ready to hit the road to our next destination---Louisville, KY tomorrow. I really needed the extra rest today provided. We were back from the dealership and at the campsite by 1:30pm. Smurf and I took the dogs for a nice walk, groomed them, and did a training session with everyone.

I was really feeling the toll of the past week today, and crawled back into my nice, warm bed with Gracie snuggling close. I woke to Dawson and Nadja both trying to paw at me and staring intently. I knew immediately that both dogs were on alert. Turns out I had a very high fever. I immediately got some Tylenol into my system, and laid back down and snuggled with the Smurf and Gracie until about 5:30pm.

I knew we would be traveling tomorrow (and very tired), but I wanted to get the RV cleaned out (its amazing how much dog hair can accumulate in less than a week!! I had Smurf feed the dogs in their individual crates in the van while I vacuumed and cleaned up the RV. After the dogs had their dinner, we took them for a nice walk, and set out to make our own dinner---it was grilled cheese and tomato soup on the menu tonight. Quick, easy, and delicious ;-)

Smurf did the dishes while I tried (unsuccessfully, I might add) to figure out how to play a DVD on our system. We have very limited channels here at the campground, so Smurf is getting a little stir-crazy. I'm actually kind of glad that the TV doesn't have such a hold on her. I'm watching her self-expression grow in coming up with things to do with her own imagination/creativity.

I tried to download the pics from the zoo yesterday, but I have a bad connection here tonight---I'll get them up as soon as possible.

So the plan for tomorrow is this: We'll be packed up, utilities unhooked, and hitched up by 11:30-12:00 tomorrow. We'll drive to Louisville, KY, where we'll most likely boondock (dry camp) in a Walmart parking lot for the night. I need to watch the weather closely, for this plan to work, though. By staying in a parking lot, we save the money on a campground ($30). However, if the temperature drops, we won't have any heat...so that's a major consideration. I did find a campground near the interstate that appears to be a good bet if the weather doesn't cooperate....we'll see. With so many unexpected budget-busting expenses on this trip, I have to be really careful with money.

After our overnight stop (just long enough to sleep) in Louisville, it'll be straight onto Portland, TN, and our new "home" ;-) There, we have our dear friends, Cathy and Niki anxiously awaiting our arrival. We'll park the Butterfly Express on their farm and stay for a few days to recover; then Smurf, Nadja and I will set out in a rental car back to New Jersey to get the rest of our belongings. Dawson and Gracie will stay under the care of Niki until we get back.

Once in New Jersey, we will drop off the rental car and pick up a U-haul truck which will contain all our "stuff." I also have a small, utility trailer which houses my stage and sound equipment, that will be hitched to the back of the moving truck. Once we're back on the road, it will be all about covering miles---not taking our time sight-seeing like we did on this trip. Smurf's got to get back into school, and Niki and I have the Equine Ability Program to set up!! I can't wait to get started!

The trip to Tennessee is nearly over; yet the journey has just begun! We hope you'll continue to follow our journey as we set up our new equine programs, and introduce Canine and Abled's existing award-winning, canine education programs!

~Kimberly

Short post tonight. Neuro-fatigue has taken hold

2010-10-28T20:14:00.001-05:00

Hello, all. This is going to be a short post tonight. Just wanted to post some modified travel updates, but am too tired to report all of the fun we had at the Columbus zoo today--will try to catch up with that tomorrow.

We went to the zoo today and had the most wonderful time. It is by far the best zoo I've ever seen! It exhausted me beyond words, though. I'm not talking just plain old physical exhaustion. I'm talking neuro-fatigue---which, unless you've experienced it for yourself, you can't even begin to imagine what it's like.

Neuro-fatigue is your brain shutting down. Your body's epicenter and main operating system saying, "uh, you've overloaded me---I'm done!" That's what I experienced this afternoon. I knew driving 250 miles tomorrow would be a huge tax on my already weakening system, and the front-end noise that my van was making in NJ has started to get worse. Even though two mechanics back home told me it was going to be okay, I really feel the need to have it checked out, since it has changed. And so, these things coupled to extend our stay in Columbus an extra day so that I can take the van to the Ford dealership down the road and have it looked at, and hopefully get some much-needed extra rest before driving again.

We've decided to skip our trip to the Kentucky Horse Park this visit. Perhaps we'll be able to stop in on our trip back to NJ in the rental car (where it would be easier to maneuver). I just know my brain is about done. Our next modified stop will be an over-night, staying hooked up so we can get driving in the am stop outside of Louisville, KY. From there, it will be "home" to Portland, TN and our dear friends, Niki and her mom, Cathy; who await us with open arms ;-)

Will update more and share pics from the zoo tomorrow. Night all!

~Kimberly

Greetings from Columbus, Ohio!

2010-10-27T21:18:00.002-05:00

Hello, all! Well, after Packy checked the map....

...and listened to the weather radio to see if we were out of the tornado watch, we packed up and headed west towards Columbus, Ohio. The weather was a lot nicer today than yesterday, but the wind was still quite fierce and posed some cross-wind issues for everyone on the highway (especially RVer's and truckers).

I don't know how I managed to do it, but we increased our mileage to 11mpg this leg of the trip. I thought for sure after climbing all the hills in western, PA, that we'd be getting much less than that; but hey, who am I to complain!?

Well, the patch job held for the most part in Smurf's bunk during the very heavy rain we had last night. There was just a touch of dampness still present, so I plan to have it looked at while we're here in Columbus. I just found out that there is RV service here that comes right to the campsite!! Sweet! No hooking back up, driving to a service center and re-parking/unhitching! In any case, water damage to an RV is extremely serious, and not for nothing...this is a brand new unit---it should NOT leak! Planning to call them tomorrow to see when they can come out.

Back at the Walmart parking lot this morning, we loaded back into the van after a nice breakfast at Denny's; and a long walk with the pups. We were more than ready to hit the road and get some miles under us. The highway immediately ahead had lots of fairly steep hills and 6-7% downward grades. (To Matt from the Redneck Express---I used your traveling downhill tips, and they worked great, thank you!!!) With these new tips, the Butterfly handled really great, and I didn't feel so out of control as the other night on the mountain into Mill Run. After experiencing the wrath of the nasty wind/rain laden storm from the night before, and then seeing the hills we would have faced IN that storm, I was absolutely certain that we made the right decision to stay the night at Walmart to wait it out.

The first part of our trip was not difficult, but fairly slow going because of wind and lots of uphill climbs and down hill slopes that required slower speeds. At one point, we hit a construction site that stretched on for several miles. It forced the trucks and RV's into the far left hand lane, where there were concrete barriers on both sides and not much clearance on either side. It looked worse that it really was, and once I got centered between the barriers, I was able to settle into an easy, but steady pace until the construction ended.

Once we passed out of West Virginia into Ohio, it was easy going; and the kind of road I'd been dreaming of! The highway opened up into three lanes, the terrain was hilly, but there were lots of fairly flat spaces in between, and we were able to maintain a steady 60mph for quite a long while. We fell into the lull of the open highway, and I enjoyed listening to the abundant country music stations all along the way. :-) Smurf worked on some school work in the back seat, and read one of her chapter books I purchased for her in Lancaster. We stopped twice to stretch our legs, let the dogs out, once to fill up our gas tank (and throw a Frisbee to Nadja!). We rolled into Columbus around 4:30---i.e., rush hour. The traffic really started piling up, and getting really heavy.

I was alarmed at one point when the trucks and traffic ahead of me went from cruising at 60mph to 15 mph in a very short span of road. Apparently, two cars got into it with a tractor-trailer, and emergency help had yet to arrive to divert growing rush-hour traffic.

Needless to say, my heart was in my throat, praying that my brakes would slow me in time, and that the trucks behind me knew that everyone ahead was at a virtual standstill. This is exactly how my accident happened, btw. The truck driver behind me fell asleep at the wheel and didn't react to the traffic stopping in front of him. He came through the back of my vehicle and it changed my life forever...

Okay, enough of that!

Once we got through Columbus proper, we easily found our RV park and got directed to our "two-day" front yard. ;-) There is a lot of work to do once you pull into a campsite. Despite being exhausted from the long drive, the RV needs to be leveled, the vehicle needs to be unhitched, all the towing equipment stowed, the stabilizer blocks need to be placed under the jacks, and all the utilities need to be hooked up and turned on. In our case, we also need to set up the exercise pens for the dogs, and allow them to stretch their legs and do their business before continuing on with rest, dinner or shopping plans.

In any case, we got most of our work done, trying to get it done quickly so as to run down to Walmart for a few groceries and some things for the RV. We met our "neighbors" next door, whose truck is in the shop, and offered to take them to Walmart with us so that they could stock up their dwindling supplies. They gratefully accepted, and so off we went ;-) RVer's are a very friendly bunch, and I have found great parcels of knowledge in striking up conversations such as we did today.

Once we returned from Wally World, Smurf retired to her bunk to get out of my way and play her Nintendo DS (an early birthday present); while I prepared dinner. The dogs have learned where they need to go when I need my space, and they each go to their chosen corners to hang out when I need my cooking space. The kitchen, though very small, is set up very efficiently; and despite its diminutive size, it is quite pleasureable to cook in.

We enjoyed a nice meal of beef stew over noodles and a fresh garden salad, then set out to wash the dishes and get the dogs fed. To my surprise, the Smurf says to me, "Mommy, you go lie down---I know you don't feel well. I'll do the dishes and feed the dogs tonight so you can rest up for tomorrow!" She's referring to going to the Columbus zoo tomorrow--a huge highlight of the trip for this budding biologist! Hey, anyway you slice it, she got the dishes done without being told, and the dogs got their dinner to boot---again, who am I to argue!?

Smurf's right, though. I've definately hit my wall as far as physical strength goes. I've started to blow a fever (which is "normal" for me when I overdo), and I was making a lot of silly cognitive mistakes this evening, as well...so it's definately time to try to conserve as much energy as possible. The drive today took a whole lot out of me, and I'm really glad that we have two full nights to rest up before embarking on our next leg to Kentucky.

I'm also battling a tooth ache that I've had for quite sometime. In perfect timing, it just so happened to get a lot worse just as we left New Jersey (and familiar medical/dental) places. In addition to my other issues, I have a steady jaw/head ache that is growing worse, I'm afraid. I'm hoping to make it to TN and have it attended to where I'll have help with the Smurf and dogs while I have the tooth taken care of.

Well, my body's having a hard time staying up right, so I'm going to listen to it and turn in. 'Night folks!

~Kimberly

Made it off the mountain in one piece---monster storm and RV repairs taking us off the road for the day

2010-10-26T16:53:00.002-05:00

So with much prayer and some great response from the Butterfly Express, we made it back over the mountain we came in on last night. She actually handled it a heck of a lot better than I thought she would---the route was definately much easier (and less scary) going up, rather than down; and in the daylight in clear weather rather than in the pitch dark in the rain!

After giving praises to God for His protection, we got back on the PA Turnpike and headed west toward Columbus, Ohio. We needed to stop at the first rest area to use the facilities, set the GPS, and make campground reservations for this evening. When I called the campground we've chosen in Columbus, the woman there told me that they had a monster storm approaching (with tornado warnings), and travel trailers were being told to leave the highways because of 70 +mph winds. It was already quite windy where we were ( in Belle Vernon, PA), so I couldn't imagine how bad 70mph winds would feel with the trailer behind.

Going back to last night.....at 2am, Smurf called out to me and told me she was getting wet. I went up into her bunk area and was upset to find that there was a leaky seam in the back corner of her bunk. I put a towel over it to block it as best I could, and made a mental note to get it repaired when we reached Columbus.

After hearing about the imminent weather coming toward us, we decided to look for a repair shop closer to where we were and stay the night. A trip inside the travel plaza where they had a live weather map and warnings posted confirmed this decision--it was a huge, nasty looking storm that has done severe damage to several states so far.

Well, we've got the roof leak repaired (we hope!). The service center found an issue with the cauking and fixed it fairly quickly. I pray it holds, because the storm is now upon us, and its holding a LOT of rain! We're dry camped in a Walmart parking lot, and the storm is barreling down upon us. I parked the rig behind a hotel for some wind protection. It just dropped like ten degrees in the past five minutes, and the wind just started really kicking up. Just checked the weather report for this area; we're under a tornado watch and severe thunderstorm warning---I"m soooo glad we didn't stay on the road!

Storm clouds rollin in on the Butterfly Express

So we're riding out the storm aboard the Butterfly Express! After it passes, we're going to walk across the parking lot to grab something to eat, and settle in early for the night to get started for Columbus mid-morning after rush hour. We'll be staying there until Friday morning.

Oh! I had a father of a woman who works with TBI patients contact me today. His daughter lives near Columbus, and is interested in meeting up with us! I'm very much looking forward to her coming to share our campfire ;-)

See you down the road!

~Kimberly

Tested to our limits today!

2010-10-25T21:21:00.002-05:00

Well, the Butterfly Express turned into part mountain goat today! We started off very well in Lancaster today. We were so sad to leave it behind, and can't wait until we get to go back there again. We were able to get some miles under us today, as there wasn't nearly as much wind as there was on Friday when we set out.

The rolling countryside became a bit more steep by the time we crossed through Harrisburg. Butterfly Express handled it quite well, I was pleased to find. I was feeling much more confident and comfortable with it today, as well. I felt like all the kinks had been worked out, and I really had a good handle on everything (even when the big rigs blew past us and sent a gust into us that required compensation).

We were able to educate some very nice truck drivers about brain injury today! ;-) The Butterfly Express gets a lot of attention wherever she's parked, and since we're required to park in the truck sections of the rest areas, truck drivers (who I think are looking for something interesting to break up the monotony of their drive) are the ones who are wanting to learn more about what we're doing at the moment. One particular driver had a really hard time believing that I had a brain injury at first. I explained to him that not all brain injuries are visible, and told him about my cognitive and memory issues; he was astounded by what he'd learned. We spent the next little bit chatting about different routes to Tennessee, as he regaled several different stories of how scenic the vistas are driving down there. The road was about to get a little too scenic for our taste, we were soon to learn!

All was well until we got off the exit for the current campground we're in. Had I known it was going to be so treacherous, I would have opted to stay in a Walmart parking lot for the night!! Once we got off the exit, we were promptly met with a VERY steep and long grade down. So steep, Butterfly's brakes were smoking at the end! Mind you, this was also a very winding, twisting road and about 4 miles into it, it began to rain....then we hit a valley that was covered in fog. I was not a happy camper (no pun intended!). The campground is about 12 miles off the highway, and the going didn't get any easier the entire ride here.

As a reminder, for those who may be new to the blog and my story, my brain injury occurred as a result of a very BAD car accident. My PTSD was in overdrive coming over that mountain tonight. I was so afraid I was going to crash us all into a ditch, or fall off the road that I was having trouble seeing...so many scenarios were running through my head. I had all I could do to remind myself to breathe, because at one point, I found myself quietly hyper-ventilating, and realized that my fingers, lips, and face were going numb because of it. I really had to focus on each never-ending mile, (praying the entire time!), and try to get my PTSD under control so I could keep control of the Butterfly Express. At one point, I really thought I might pass out from the anxiety---NOT a pleasant ride at all!

We nearly kissed the ground when we got out of the van and safely into our site where we'll spend the night. We hooked up in the dark (and when I say dark, I mean DARK!), and drizzle---cold, wet, and sooo ready for something hot to eat. After cleaning up the dinner dishes, I went out to the van to get something, and had a hard time finding it---I'm talking about the van---and it's still hooked up to the trailer!! It is so dark and desolate here, nothing like our cozy, friendly-neighbored, quaint campsite in Lancaster :-( There's no one in sight here. I'm just glad this is only for one night. I only wish that I'd known about that horrible ride in (that we're going to have to repeat in the opposite direction tomorrow) ahead of time---I would definitely have opted to stay closer to the highway; live and learn!

We have to get gas before we do anything tomorrow. I asked the employee who showed us to our site where the closest place to go would be. She gave me directions, and was quick to add, "Uh, I would drop your trailer before you attempt to go down there...you won't be able to make it back round hooked up." Comforting. Very comforting.

I can't remember my last visit there, but I hope Ohio is flatter :-\

We took some photos of the spectacular views today coming out the PA turnpike---but I'm too tired (and a bit intimidated!) to go try to find my way back to the van to get my camera! Will post them tomorrow once we get to our next scheduled stop--Columbus, Ohio.

We would appreciate any/all prayers for safe travels back to the highway tomorrow! Will post asap tomorrow.

~'Night all!

Kimberly

Got our equine fix today!! Our last full day in Lancaster was GREAT!!!

2010-10-24T22:44:00.003-05:00

Wow, I'm going to miss this place! We had such a wonderful day today. The day was perfect---short-sleeve weather, and plentiful sunshine. It was so warm that I opted to leave the dogs in the RV with the a/c running, because I was concerned that the van would overheat them.

We started our sight-seeing with a tour of an Amish Village (it was a tourist attraction, not an actual working Amish farm). It was a very quaint, nice place to visit, and Smurf got a lot out of it. She especially enjoyed the schoolhouse, which had actual text books, assignment journals, and art work done by Amish children.

We had a wonderful time at the village, but very shortly after we started walking, I felt the stirrings of my MS being aggravated. I had numbness/tingling in my feet, and it wasn't long before I started having serious trouble moving my legs and staying on my feet for longer than a few minutes. After the punishment I'd put my body though over the past week, I wasn't surprised, but the day was still early, and I wanted to see/do more.

I needed to find something where I could sit down to do it. A trip to the Strasburg Railroad was a good option!

The 45 minute train ride wound it's way through the beautiful countryside, and even past the dreaded corn maze from yesterday (I'm actually kidding about the dreaded part---my little one enjoyed it so much, that I can't help but think about the good memory we made!)

I realized that there was a very slim chance that I would be able to push myself for another day of sight-seeing at Kitchen Kettle Village tomorrow (where I'd planned the most important aspect of our visit to Lancaster; a buggy ride). My body is just done, and I have a four hour drive ahead of me tomorrow. I decided to find another place that did buggy rides on Sundays. We found a GREAT place at the Plain and Fancy Farm!

The owner of the buggy rides took a shine to the Smurf, and lifted her right up onto the front seat! We got the best seats in the house for our buggy ride ;-) Our driver, Amos, was a former Amish man who left the order when he became of age. He was a wealth of information, and when he learned that Sarah and I were horsewomen, he was quick to strike up a great equine conversation with us! This was truly an absolute highlight of our visit here. An absolute perfect day to end an absolute perfect trip to this absolutely beautiful area!!

It was absolutely fantastic to get our equine fix out here in Lancaster! Makes us both really look forward to implementing our new equine programs in Tennessee!!

We had many opportunities to share with folks what we're doing with the Butterfly Express. The van is getting a LOT of attention around town because of the lettering and butterfly stencils all over it! We get the most gawks from the Amish themselves--they stop and stare at US, and just can't seem to get over our strangely marked vehicle! Each time we share our story and upcoming plans for our new programs, it is met with great response. I pray that we are truly making some sort of difference with this trip!!

After the buggy ride, it was dinnertime, and I was spent. I couldn't imagine cooking, or cleaning up back at the RV, and so even though I hadn't planned on it, we decided to have dinner at the Plain and Fancy restaurant; which was operated by the same company as the buggy rides. What a wonderful place that was! It really topped off a truly spectacular stay for us here in Lancaster. :-)

On the way back to the campground, I stopped to fill up my gas tank and check my oil. Now, us Jersey Girls....we don't pump gas! While I know HOW to actually pump the gas, I wasn't sure how to PAY for it!! I was thankful that the gas pump had specific instructions on how to do this, and even with brain injury, I was able to figure it out easily ;-) I wasn't so happy to learn that I'm only getting about 10 mpg :-( I was hoping for closer to 12, but am thrilled that my van is running as well as it is under such trying conditions.

We came back to the RV after that, relaxed; full bellies, and deliriously happy. The dogs were very happy to see us, and well rested after lazing around all day. They got an extra-special dinner (canned food added to their usual kibble, because they're all off their feed with the stress of so much travel). I've been looking for a tube of Nutrical (which is a high-caloric appetite stimulant created for such situations), but I haven't been able to find it as of yet. In any case, at least the canned food got them to finally eat--- Everyone gobbled up their entire meal!

We're going to sleep in (again!) and take our time getting packed up and on the road. Our next destination is Mill Run, PA, in the Southwest corner of the state. The Smurf and all the dogs are sound asleep, and I'm about to join them.

See you on the road!

~Kimberly

Havin some long-overdue fun and settling into the RV lifestyle ;-)

2010-10-24T00:50:00.001-05:00

Hello, all! We're having a wonderful time here in Lancaster, PA. We're staying here until Monday, and I'm sad to say, that it just doesn't seem like enough time!! Maybe, just maybe, we might add one more day... we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Before I tell about our day today, I want to share some pics from yesterday, as promised:

Here's the smurf, raising the stabilizer jacks just prior to leaving---

she did such a good job, I've decided that this will be one of her chores here on out! ;-)

BTW, this is Pachyderm--aka, Packy. He's been a sort of traveling gnome with the Smurf (she takes photos of him where ever they go together, and so,we decided that he'd be the perfect co-pilot for this expedition ;-)

That's right! We're runnin' with da big dogs now!

This was the beautiful sight that greeted us, right in front of our campsite yesterday as we finished setting up!

So today, we slept in late (or at least tried to!). I woke up at 7, no longer able to sleep, even though I still felt super, duper tired. I made myself a hot cup of tea, let the dogs up, and enjoyed the very brisk, still morning with them. There was frost on the grass and vehicles!!

I went back to bed after that, and finally rose at 10:30 when the Smurf decided to get up. We had a leisurely breakfast, then I groomed the dogs while I waited for Smurffel to get dressed. We took the pups for a nice, long walk, and found Nadja a nice stretch of open field on the far side of the campground. Here, I threw her toy until she was spent (this is a daily requirement for Nadja!! She absolutely NEEDS vigorous exercise in order to be healthy--in body, mind, and spirit. In order to make our dogs truly happy, we need to honor who they are, and who they were created to be. Nadja is a working dog---bred to work long hours and expend vast amounts of energy. Even when we are living in an RV, and not performing, she still needs exercise---as much as food and water. So wherever we go, we find a "throwing field" to honor my high-octane friend ;-)

Anyway, after we finished walking the dogs, we loaded up and headed to Cherry Crest Farm. If you've never been there, I highly recommend going. It was so much fun! There are about 40 different farm-themed activities for kids to do there, and it's clean, well-run and lots of fun!

My first mistake was agreeing to a corn maze. Found out too late that corn mazes and brain injuries do NOT mix well!! They give you a treasure map, and you have to find mailboxes, placed around the maze, containing icons that you tape onto your map that eventually show you the way out. We were having lots of fun at first, but I tired easier than normal because of the strain I've been under lately. I simply didn't have enough gas in the tank, and knew I had to conserve steps today in order to make it through an entire day (without having to resort to bed rest). We found all but one of the icons, when I had to call it quits. I flagged down an employee, who took one look at me, and got that "uh oh!" look on his face. I must have looked as bad as I felt, and he cleared the paths for us, and led us out of the maze to rest on a nearby bench. He was so nice...when Smurf told him we only had one more icon to find, he went and got it for her, saying we'd earned it (if he only knew!!)

This is this year's maze. Each year has a different theme/picture

Perhaps my first mistake was following the direction of a quirky 7 year old!

Finding our first icon

Her completed map. I was so worried that I let her down by not being able to complete the treasure hunt--and so close with only one icon left! That employee saved my little girl from disappointment, and she was so grateful that I stuck it out as long as I did, knowing that I didn't feel good---I ended up being her hero today; that's all I can ask for ;-)

This was in the barn exhibit---I found it very interesting...

It was a "dog powered propeller churn," the claim was that a 40-pound dog could operate either a churn or washing machine with no problem at all! I soooo want one of those for Nadja!!

A tired dog is a GOOD dog!! ;-)

I was pretty much a goner once we got out of the corn maze. We decided to take a wagon tour ride (where I could sit and recover!), and after that, I sat and watched Sarah play on some of the different activities, and then REALLY needed to get going. Sarah was actually the one to call it quits. She took one look at me after coming off one of the attractions, and said, "It's time to go, Mommy---I know you don't feel good, and I don't want you to be any sicker than you already are." I just love that child and her compassion!!! I try to hide the pain and dysfunction from her as best I can; especially in these situations when I really want to provide things for her that I haven't been able to in the past. She knows me all too well, though. It really was time to go!

We came back to the campsite and I made burgers, mac & cheese and baked beans for dinner. Even though it was chilly, we decided to eat on the picnic table outside, underneath the beautiful full moon. ;-) We had our outside speakers on, and dined to MercyMe (our favorite Christian music band). It was positively lovely.

After dinner, we sat around the campfire and made smores. The dogs joined us in the safety of their exercise pen nearby. It was a great way to end a wonderful day.

:-)

See you on the road!

~Kimberly

Lovin Lancaster, PA!

2010-10-22T21:51:00.000-05:00

Hello, all! So we finally made it to our trip's first destination---Lancaster, PA. As I mentioned in my last post, all went pretty smoothly with our drive out here, except for the high winds we experienced. Definately posed some challenges along the way, but nothing that couldn't be handled by slowing down a bit. I wasn't in any hurry, anyway.

I haven't had enough rest over the past few days, and rising at 5:45 this morning after being up till midnight the night before really took it's toll on me the last part of the drive. My brain really started revolting, and it was all I could do to keep focusing and blocking out background information so that I could reach our current destination. Despite the exhaustion, and not feeling all that great, I found myself enjoying the drive.

Once we started approaching Lancaster, the hills began to challenge the Butterfly Express. It didn't take me long to learn to accelerate considerably going down the hills, then make a run at the climbing side. My van thanked me for that, and once that problem was solved, I was able to take in the amazing views. The trees are in their splendor, showing off their amazing fall colors. The countryside is stunning, and my eyes just can't get enough of it. I did take a few pictures today, but am too tired to download tonight; I'll share them tomorrow.

After we got to the campground, we found our spot and started to set up. I've already assigned Smurf her own jobs; the first being to get the chocks, and leveling blocks from the storage compartment and place them under the leveling jacks. Once I get the van unhooked, and the trailer level, she goes to each of the four jacks and cranks them down. She's a pro at it already, and it proved to be a big help to me!

After we got the RV set up, we leashed up the dogs and took a nice, relaxing walk around the campground. It's so pretty here. Totally surrounded by fields and countryside. At oine point, when we were setting up, one of our neighbors pointed out an Amish farmer heading our way, plowing the field in front of our RV with a team of six draft horses. It was such a nice, welcoming sight and a treat for all the hard work we did on this very long day!

After getting everything put into place, neuro-fatige, hunger, and plain old, hitting-the-wall exhaustion was quickly setting in. We decided to grab a bite to eat at a restaurant, then grab some needed grocery, and a few forgotten items at Target afterwards. Dinner was wonderful, but by the time we headed over to Target, my brain was really misbehaving and I had a really hard time getting through.

We got our purchases put away when we got back, and I let the dogs out for their last potty break before turning in. They still don't know what to make of the RV, or where to sleep---though I've set up the back, bottom bunk for their snoozing pleasure. Gracie, of course, has her usual spot---right next to me on my bed. ;-) Dawson and Nadja are not allowed up here, and though they know they are permitted on the comfy bunk at the other end of the RV, they both chose to snuggle up at the foot of my bed, standing sentinal as if they know I'm not feeling very well at the moment.

We plan to sleep until we can't sleep any longer tomorrow, make and eat a leisurely breakfast, take the dogs for a nice walk and then set out on some sight-seeing adventures. I plan to take our brain injury material with us everywhere we go so that we can share our journey with others, and hopefully, impart a bit of education along the way.

I feel like I'm not even making sense anymore, so I'm going to sign off for now. Thanks for coming along on our journey, and for sending all your prayers, well-wishes and wonderful messages.

All my best,

~Kimberly

Greetings----From the Road!!

2010-10-22T10:35:00.000-05:00

Hello, all!

Well, it's official---we're on the road!

After a very early rising, packing our last minute stuff and hitching up, we had breakfast at my friend's diner (The Shamong Diner ***Shout out to Manny and the crew!***) in Shamong, NJ. Manny was kind enough to offer to let me park The Butterfly Express in his back trailer lot for the few days between picking her up from the dearlership, and our leave date.

We met up with Mrs. B for a wonderful breakfast, and the time to say good-bye came much too soon. Tears flowed and hearts ached, and I just had to keep reminding myself of the future that lies ahead of us. We're going to miss her so much; she's been like the Mom and Grandmom that we lost, and we could never, ever repay her kindness for taking us in, providing us shelter, and showering us with love during a very dark, uncertain time in our lives. WE LOVE YOU, MRS. B!!!

After we left the diner, we had to make a quick stop at the RV dealership to re-check our leveling bars since we had the suspension in the van beefed up the other day. All's well, and they gave us the all clear to hit the open road!

We're on the turnpike now (which just happens to be the road that I had my accident on), and just made our first rest stop to let the dogs out for a stretch, make campground reservations, and set our GPS. We're well on our way to our first overnight stop: Lancaster, PA. While we are there, we plan to (rest first!), see the sights, and take in the beautiful country-side.

The ride's been pretty good so far, except for some pretty windy conditions. The Butterfly Express handles really nicely--MUCH better than a horse trailer, but she gets tossed a round a bit when the bigger gusts hit, so I'm just takin' it slow and easy---no rush at all.

We made reservations at tonight's campground, and they gave us a "big rig" site---meaning NO BACKING UP! These sites are pull-through and made for much larger, Class A vehicles (like huge motor homes, bus-rigs, etc.). I did practice my backing up skills (which I thought were going to be quite rusty) before we left the diner, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was just like riding a bike; my trailer-backing skills remain intact. I'm still relieved that I don't have to utilize those skills on my first night out, though!

Well, I've got three dogggies who need to take a walk. I know there are folks back home following our updates that are waiting to hear that we are doing okay---we're fine as frog's hair, folks! Looking forward to more of the open road! I'll try to update more later, and share the pics we took today.

See you down the road!

~Kimberly

It's GO time! We're FINALLY Hitting The Road with Brain Injury Riding Shotgun!!!

2010-10-21T22:32:00.001-05:00

Hello, all! What an exciting time this is! At 6am, we are heading out on our adventure of a lifetime! The Butterfly Express is packed up, gassed up, and all ready to go!

Smurf has her bunk all made up, just the way she likes it, we've pretty much figured out where everything is going to go, and everything actually fits!

Nadja has already made claim to the bottom bunk!

Smurf, trying out my bed

As you can imagine, I'm pretty tired from all the packing/prepping this week. I may or may not blog in the next day or so while my brain adjusts to the rigors of life on the road. I will catch up just as soon as I can, or have someone from back home post a blog for me.

Just wanted to offer our thanks to all who have supported us through this long, and difficult process of getting to this point. We are truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives!

To all our Butterfiles---this one's for you guys!! Thanks for taking the ride with us---buckle up---it's GO time! ;-)

Well, we're off! We'll see you on the road---tomorrow! If you see us truckin' down the highway, be sure to honk your horn and wave like crazy at us ;-)

-Kimberly

Smurf's under the weather---heading to pediatrician and looking to leave on Friday now.

2010-10-20T13:46:00.002-05:00

So my little Smurffel's been under the weather for the past few days. Earlier in the week, we both had the initial virus that's been spreading rampant around here, and though I still don't feel great; I'm able to suck it up and am hanging in. Smurf says she feels better now, but as always, a cold aggravates her non-so-great respiratory system and reeks havoc. I was giving her until today to make a big improvement before deciding what to do in regard to the trip. As of right now, her cough sounds positively awful. She has a history of going into respiratory distress, and I'm not taking any chances with my precious, little bundle out on the road until she gets an "all clear" from a medical professional.
She's got an appointment at her pediatrician to have her lungs listened to and see if she needs any additional prescription medication right after school.

Given light of the situation, I'm going to push back leaving until Friday morning, and give Smurf (and me) another entire day of rest before taking off. I don't want to be away from our doctors and be sick on the road!

Will see you on the road---bright-eyed and bushy-tailed on Friday! ;-)

UPDATE:

The doctor said Smurf's lungs were nice and clear--she said I'm already doing exactly what she would have prescribed, so we've been given the "all clear" to hit the road! We're still planning tomorrow as a day of rest, then will be fresh for Friday am's departure. ;-)

Four years of homelessness has ended today!! Home sweet home--today was movin in day! ;-)

2010-10-19T19:16:00.001-05:00

I'm really much too tired and a little under the weather to write much today, so I'm just going to share a few pics I got of the RV today. Brought 'er home, and Smurf and I started movin' in! ;-) Four years of homelessness ended for us today. It may only be 28' long, but it's ours---a home that no one can ever take away from us!! Hope you all enjoy the pics. More to come!

Home sweet home!

Haven't gotten the vehicle magnets back from the sign shop yet, so
I improvised in order to get the word out ;-)

Filling 'er up! ;-)

Mrs. B helping Smurf make her bunk---this moment has been LONG-awaited!!!

Sortin' and storing!

It's so much more fun UNpacking than packing!!!

I think this says it all ;-)

I'm in desperate need of rest...starting to hit my wall. Will post more later. See you on the road--In two days!!! ;-)

---Kimberly

The Butterfly Express---we're bringing survivors with us on our journey!

2010-10-16T13:30:00.003-05:00

All RVer's know that a rig's gotta have a good name. For the longest time, I've been trying to come up with a name that resonated with me, and with our awareness tour--but kept coming up empty. I knew the name would come to me eventually.

I got another message from a mother of a son with brain injury today. She wanted to thank me for doing this blog/campaign, and promoting awareness on our trip. I wrote back to her, and told her that I would be taking her son along on the trip with us in my heart. Got me to thinking... I'd like to take all our survivors along with us!

Soooo.... Sarah and I have made a giant poster board that we will stamp green butterflies (green, representing traumatic brain injury, and the butterfly, which is the motif for our trip and very special symbol to us), and we'll write the names of survivors underneath their butterfly, so they can spread their wings and ride along with us! We'll display this board at all our stops along our route, and use it as both a symbol of solidarity for those touched by brain injury, and to help put a name/personalize brain injury to the folks we meet along the journey.

Families/friends/co-workers, or even survivor's themselves--please provide us with the name of your loved one in the comment section of this blog, so we can add them to our butterfly board!

We've also come up with the name for our rig:
The Butterfly Express ;-)

See ya on the road, with the Butterfly Express---in five days!!

--Kimberly

Six days to go---the open road is calling!

2010-10-15T20:50:00.003-05:00

Shhhh! Hear that?? Yes, it's the open road calling to us---and we're answering that call in just six more days! As you can imagine, my life is a flurry of activity right now.

This week has been filled with contacting media outlets all along our route and notifying them of our campaign. We're getting in touch with brain injury associations and resource organizations to garner their support and some brain injury awareness hand-out material (we still need lots more of this, if you know of an organization that would be interested in us handing out their brochures, etc. Get in touch with me, via canineandabled@aol.com ). I've been blessed with a great team of volunteers who have graciously given their time to make those required emails/phone calls to free me up to clear off the countless other tasks on my "to do" list!

**Shout Out to my C&A peeps*

Canine and Abled, Inc. volunteers---you rock!! Thank you!

I had a final meeting with Gary, the dog trainer that we've commissioned to take over Canine and Abled's therapy dog and service dog training program here in NJ. We have a good plan in place, some clients lined up and raring to get started, and some new volunteers who can't wait to help create therapy/service dog trainees! I'm really excited to see Gary run with this program, as he's got a whole lot of passion towards this mission, and a lot of great ideas to make it happen, too. While it's hard for me to "pass the torch" of this part of Canine and Abled, Inc., I know that Gary will do the organization proud.

Meanwhile...back in Mrs. B's basement...I'm doing a final sort of what clothes to take with us in the RV, which are going to be left here for the moving truck, and which out-of-season clothes Sarah will have outgrown by summertime to be donated. As I've mentioned in my previous posts, laundry is my nemesis. I have trouble processing what is there, where it needs to be, and putting a picture in my mind of what clothes we actually have. I try to avoid it at all costs most days, but it's not possible to ignore this task any longer; despite the fact that it is looming large and very overwhelming at the moment. :-(

I ordered the signs/magnets for my tow vehicle and RV today. They're going to look great! Decided to have Sarah help me make a few extra posters for our campsites and rest areas..we're going to do that sometime this weekend. I thought combining our collective creative talents would make them special, and be a whole lot of fun, too! (I'll let you know how that works out!)

The dogs are taking everything in stride, as usual. They can't figure out why they haven't been doing daily demo training sessions, though! I think they're looking forward to our trip as much as we are--they can definitely feel the positive and excited energy flowing around here at the moment, that's for sure! They've also gotten very frisky with the arrival of some brisk, fall weather.

We are very much looking forward to bringing our awareness campaign to America's highways, and can't wait until we're staring at the open road before us at last! We hope you continue to take this journey with us!

See you on the road---in just six days!!!

--Kimberly

A few changes, and last minute tweaks---We can see the open road before us!

2010-10-13T09:14:00.003-05:00

Hello, all ;-) So sorry for being MIA, but I've been resting my brain from another cognitive slide, and major case of malaise and weakness. My body definately was not shy in telling me that I needed to kick back a little!

I want to share our wonderful experience and photos about the Pet Expo we performed at last week, and will do so in a separate post; but first wanted to catch everyone up with our trip plans, as we were originally set to leave this Friday.

Since my brain has been misbehaving, and there was still soooo much to do, I realized I'm was going to need an extra week to get on the road in one piece.

Our new game plan is this: We have an appointment to do our "getting to know you" RV class on Saturday, the 16th, and we'll bring 'er home on Tuesday the 19th. We'll load/pack/get familiar with handling it, and plan to head out on the road on Thursday, the 21st.

We've spent a lot of time this week saying good-bye (or rather, so-long for now!) to friends. This is the truly difficult part of this journey. While our past has been traumatic here, and this place holds many terrifying, bad memories; it also holds the friends who stuck by us and got us through the very darkest days of our lives. Saying "so long" is incredibly difficult, and each time we do it, I feel like I lose another part of my heart. We're going to miss you, dear friends, and the invitation is always open for you to come visit us in our new home in Tennessee! We take each one of you with us in our hearts, for we couldn't have made it this far in our journey without your support. *Sniff! Sniff!*

Okay, have to stop crying!!! .... *deep, cleansing breath*

As of this moment, we are packing our last minute things, getting prescriptions filled for the trip, switching over our services to TN, going over our trip route with a fine-tooth comb, and reaching out to news organizations along our route to let them know about our amazing journey.

We're making final arrangements/plans for our Equine Ability program in TN, and can't wait to get started! We've had some great feedback from our soon-to-be neighbors in Tennessee, and we're happy and excited about the warm welcome that has been extended so far.

We hope you'll continue on this journey with us--things are really getting exciting now!
See you on the road!

--Kimberly